Parent: I need your help.
Dr. B: Really?
Parent: Yes. I’m serious. I feel like I’m just making a mess of my kid.
Dr. B: How so?
Parent: Sometimes I’m too pushy, too bossy or too harsh.
Dr. B: Has someone told you that?
Parent: What do you think? And when I back off, I’m too uninvolved, too permissive, too clueless.
Dr. B: Ouch. Getting hit from both ends?
Parent: Yeah. How do you decide what’s the right way to parent in any given situation?
Dr. B: Well, I just remind myself to make A MESS of my child.
Parent: I don’t have time for your brand of humor. I’m serious.
Dr. B: So am I. I try to make A MESS.
Parent: Geez.
Dr. B: Hear me out. A MESS is an acronym for a parenting approach I think you’ll find useful.
Parent: Only you would name it “a mess”.
Dr. B: Thank you. I think. A is for Attunement. That involves knowing the paths of development all children need to take.
Parent: Like what?
Dr. B: One would be relating to others.
Parent: Oh, you mean like learning to take turns, share, cooperate? How to be a good friend?
Dr. B: Exactly. Other paths include emotional development, communication, self-discipline.
Parent: So Attunement is knowing where they are headed and how to get there.
Dr. B: Could not have said it any better myself.
Parent:What’s next?
Dr. B: There’s more. Attunement is an awareness of your child’s personality, abilities, and interests.
Parent: I’ve come to realize he prefers robots to baseball and I just need to get over it.
Dr. B: Good for you. That’s being attuned. The final piece is an awareness of your child’s progress developmentally.
Parent: You mean like noticing he isn’t very good at sharing his Lego’s?
Dr. B: That’s a good example of identifying something he needs to master.
Parent: Ah. I’ll bet I know what the M stands for in your mess.
Dr. B: What?
Parent: Mastering developmental skills.
Dr. B: Yep. M is for mastery. Self-esteem and self-reliance are products of mastery. Your job is to set the stage for mastering necessary skills.
Parent: So what are the necessary skills for self-esteem?
Dr. B: You name it. Examples are everywhere. Learning to tie his own shoes, buttoning his own coat, multiplying by eleven.
Parent: So actually mastering skills. I should focus on making sure there’s mastery rather than empty praise or between child comparisons.
Dr. B: Exactly.
Parent: But how do I know what needs to be mastered?
Dr. B: That’s where your attunement comes in. He may build great robots but if he can’t share or work cooperatively, then you know to facilitate that piece of his development.
Parent: What if he isn’t interested or is easily frustrated?
Dr. B: Well, promoting development using his interests is an example of attunement. You know he doesn’t like baseball, so maybe you’ll learn to play a sport he does like.
Parent: Yeah. Soccer. Way too much running.
Dr. B: Ha.
Parent: So, I need to focus on mastery. What is the “E” in a mess?
Dr. B: E is for engagement. Mastering skills is not possible if kids don’t engage and stay engaged.
Parent: You mean like getting frustrated easily and giving up?
Dr. B: Exactly. Mastery requires staying engaged with the process of learning, whether it is practicing tying shoes or doing long division.
Parent: This is that Goldilocks Zone thing. Not too hard, not too easy. Just the right amount of challenge?
Dr. B: Wow. You really have been paying attention.
Parent: Don’t act so surprised. I remember how it works. Keep the kid in the zone where they are taking on challenges, but with adequate support.
Dr. B: Yes.
Parent: And then gradually withdraw that support as they gain greater mastery.
Dr. B: Yep. You’ve totally nailed the engagement piece.
Parent: Then where does the rest of the mess making come in?
Dr. B: Well, you’ve already hinted at it. In order to stay engaged with challenging and sometimes frustrating tasks, kids need to learn how to soothe themselves.
Parent: So soothing is the next part of A MESS?
Dr. B: Yep. Or rather, Self-Soothing. Had to make it a double “S” so MESS was spelled correctly.
Parent: Ha. So how do I teach Self-Soothing?
Dr. B: Well you can model it and offer support and encouragement.
Parent: Like “rah, rah, go team, go”?
Dr. B: Actually, yes, in your own way. Sometimes we know what they are capable of even though they might not. Sometimes they might fail and think they just aren’t smart enough or talented enough. Over time, the words of support and encouragement they hear from you are internalized. They begin to do it for themselves.
Parent: So when my kid fails, I just tell him to get his ass back in the game?
Dr. B: I prefer words like attempts, trials, or challenges rather than failures.
Parent: And instead of get your ass back in the game?
Dr. B: I might go with …
Parent: Let’s figure out what might help things go differently.
Dr. B: Yeah. You totally know how to make A MESS.
Parent: Thanks. I think.
A MESS:
Attunement
Mastery
Engagement
Self-Soothing
