Emotions are messages that things are right or not right. Smiling, crying, giggling and cooing are spontaneous expressions of emotions in infants. Parents help label these feelings for the young child and eventually help them link these feelings to causes. The parent’s ability to tolerate the expression of negative emotions and not inhibit them gives the message that feelings are natural, important, and need to be understood. Empathic gestures and words can convey understanding and sympathy, leading the way for the child to explain what frustrated, disappointed or hurt her. Effective communication can lead to help with soothing intolerable feelings. Tolerance of the child’s expression of emotion and empathic reflection are essential in helping the child learn to tolerate her feelings, express them appropriately and soothe herself.
Learning to connect feelings with causes is an essential first step to figuring out solutions to the problems causing those uncomfortable feelings. Imaginative play can allow children to safely explore emotions such as fear, jealousy, anger, and disgust, sometimes in the role of hero, sometimes as monster or bad guy. Through play the child can experience negative emotions without being judged or overwhelmed. When he is overwhelmed, the parent can help soothe him or regulate his expression. In the process, the child can learn to incorporate those strategies and make them his own. Eventually, the child can learn to regulate the expression of feelings as well as gain greater control over the cause of those feelings.
Tolerance of emotion and self-regulation of its expression are essential to the child’s ability to stay engaged with difficult situations or relationships as she finds effective solutions. Learning to express negative emotions effectively is important. Learning that negative emotions mean that something is wrong and needs changing is also essential. Together, these skills lead to the creation of relationships that are satisfying and worth maintaining. Recognizing that emotions underlie behavior but are separate is an important distinction necessary for understanding and tolerating strong emotions, as well as self-regulating behavior.
A central goal for all children is learning how to self-soothe and how to return to emotional equilibrium. This ability is essential for developing a healthy self as well as healthy relationships. Learning to modulate emotion early is important because the biological changes and social demands of adolescence only heighten the intensity of what is felt. In adolescence, there are powerful romantic and sexual feelings that develop. Life can be an emotional roller coaster, combined with more responsibility being expected, all of which makes it harder for them to maintain emotional balance. Then, as they leave home, emotional balance is essential to handle the demands of college, work, and family. People who learn to increase their emotional range throughout their lives and better adjust their balance feel a better sense of peace and equilibrium.
