Childproofing for Adolescence

The Five Why’s Approach

Before responding to a problem or reacting to a child’s behavior, take the time to ask a series of five ‘why’ questions. The basis for the problem and a possible solution will be understood at a more fundamental and effective level. Having to answer five of your ‘why’ questions will cause your child to think more deeply about their behavior as well.

Promoting Logical Thinking and Problem Solving

Ever wonder about the origin of the expression, “Children should be seen but not heard”? If you have been around a preschooler recently, you should be able to figure this one out. After the word, “No”, what is the most frequently uttered word? Why of course, it is “Why”.

“Why do I have to go to bed?”

“Why do I have to eat those (vegetables)?”

Although “why” is the common response to “No” or “Because”, most “why” questions are simply genuine curiosity:

“Why do dogs have tails?”

“Why do you put gas in the car?”

“Why do I have to go to bed?”

“Why don’t dogs talk?”

And so on.

It is not just the number of “why” questions, but the fact that whatever answer you give the kid, it will invariably be followed by another “why” question. Is our frustration with the annoyance of the endless questioning? No, it is the fact that if we genuinely try to answer a series of “why” questions relating to one topic, we quickly find ourselves struggling for answers.

Is there a lesson to be learned here? One simple lesson is the fact that a series of “why” questions pulls for much more depth than most of us give to our everyday problem solving. Most of us are good at coming up with a quick causal explanation for something and running with it. Are you familiar with Occam’s Razor – which holds that the simplest explanation is often the best? Well, Occam raised a dull child. Face it. Most of life’s problems are far more complex than we would prefer. By asking a “why” question five times in succession, some of that complexity is unearthed.

Originally developed by Taiichi Ohno as a scientific problem solving methodology to improve production at Toyota Motors, the Five Why’s approach seeks to find the basis to a problem as well as its solution by repeating “why” five times. What does manufacturing Toyota’s have to do with raising a child, you ask? When was the last time you had a problem with your Toyota?

This simple approach to problem solving often yields surprising amounts of depth as to causes as well as possible solutions. Give it a try. Here is a simple example:

Having noticed the new water stain on the ceiling, Amanda started to dial the number of her plumber. Then she paused and decided to find out what her teenage son knew about the water problem first.

“Why is there water stain on the ceiling?”

“The sink in the bathroom overflowed.”

“Why did the sink overflow?”

“It was filled with my stuff. You know – my T-shirts and socks.”

“Why was it filled with laundry?”

“That seemed like a better place for it than leaving it on the bathroom floor.”

“Why don’t you put the clothes in the laundry room?”

“Because they aren’t that dirty.”

“Why is the sink a better place than hanging in your closet?”

“That’s a long walk, Mom.”

Do you think the teenager got anything out of this series of questions? Do you think this process does anything for his development of logical thinking (LT), internal discipline (ID), and responsibility (RES)? How about the mother? How did she benefit from asking this series of questions? Instead of a plumbing bill for a house call, this mother found a trove of answers. She not only found the cause of the water damage, she found a couple of other causes worth pursuing. Not only will her son come up with some new laundry skills, he will also learn the fine art of dry wall repair. How’s that for a natural consequence or two?

Five why’s is a valuable form of assessment that leads to defining goals to master; staying engaged with a problem; and managing anxiety. It is a simple way to “Analyze Before You Act”.

Falling in love with failing

Taking on challenges, struggling, failing, analyzing mistakes, and reengaging is the route to growth, competence and self-esteem. Therefore children must learn to tolerate this process, including the failures. False praise and unrealistic labels create a focus on judgment that undermines a child’s willingness to risk failures.

Fostering Openness to Learning and Growth

Striking out in baseball is a mini failure and to some of us, quite painful. So how can I avoid this pain? If I don’t go up to bat, I will never strike out and therefore, never have to feel the pain of humiliation and frustration. Or … I can only hit against pitchers I am sure I can handle – therefore staying free of another dreaded strikeout. Two elegant solutions if I don’t say so. There is only one problem, however, with this elegant plan. If I never bat against challenging pitching, I will never improve. I have to meet the challenge of better pitching so that I can master and grow.

The act of striking out represents engagement in a challenging zone I have yet to master. If I want to get better, I need to risk striking out. In fact, if I analyze why I missed the pitch, I will get better – whether that analysis takes place behind a video screen or at bat having missed the first two strikes. This is a longwinded way of saying that to become a good baseball player, I must learn to tolerate failures, because they are sources of learning.

So how do we convince our children that they need to welcome failure as a means of learning and growing? Listen to this praise from a proud baseball dad:

“You are such a good hitter. You hit the ball every time. Three hits today! What a great hitter you are!”

What do you think of the praise Dad has handed out? He’s pretty proud of his son, isn’t he? Does anything worry you about what you just heard?

This is a loving, well-intentioned father. He believes he is heaping well-deserved praise on his son. What he is also heaping on his son is some unnecessary pressure. He has labeled him a “good hitter”, even a “great hitter”. That is a tough standard to live up to. There is added pressure if the child thinks Dad’s interest and caring is dependent upon continuing to be “good” or “great”. Unfortunately, Dad has also attached an unintended standard for what it means to be good or great. He observed, “You hit the ball every time” and “(You got) three hits today” in the process of labeling his son “good” and “great”. So what happens if the boy goes 0 for 4 in the next game? What if he strikes out more often than he gets hits? Is his status as “good” or “great” at risk? Will he worry about disappointing his dad? Will he view himself as a failure?

What do you think of these comments?

After striking out to end the game, his father consoles him,

“Don’t worry. You played great. You guys will win next time.”

So what is a boy to make of that? He certainly knows that striking out is not playing “great”. And what if they don’t win next time? Now do you understand why a kid would only want to go to bat against easy competition? That would certainly eliminate this confusion and potential for disappointment. Or, how about this as a solution? Blame the umpire for a bad third strike call. And find a good excuse why the other team won, such as cheating or unfair home field advantage. These are “great” ideas because they allow the child to preserve the label or expectation that he is “special” or “great”, as his dad called him, and can go on playing.

Can you think what the father might have said that would have been more helpful?

“So, how was it?” “What do you think went well?” “Any parts of that game you would like to change?” “How would you like to do that?”

“What did you think of that pitcher today?” “What did he do that made things tough for you guys?” “Want to figure out how to handle him next time?”

“Did you have fun?” “Why not?”

“I noticed that you did well spotting the fast balls the pitcher threw you, but had a harder time with the change-ups. I used to have a hard time hitting change-ups.” “Is that something you want to work on?”

If this boy is to grow as a ball player, he needs to tolerate losses and failures, like striking out. He also needs to know that failures or attempts are how he gets better. Perhaps they need to be labeled something other than failures. Something like trials or attempts? Linking trials with analysis, learning and improvement is the preferable route rather than linking success and failure with ratings of the person. Judgment is ultimately what steers boys away from activities such as sports, academics or talking to girls.

Perhaps the best way to promote this openness to failure and learning is for the father or coach to model it himself. When the child sees that the adult welcomes and learns from failures, it clearly becomes something acceptable for the child as well. Video games or Wii Sports are great opportunities for parents to model learning from losing. When a child sees the parent replay a lost game in order to learn how to play it better the next time, that probably has more potency than just giving that advice.

Keep the conflict in the kid

Self-reliance is an essential developmental goal. It involves a process of the child assuming responsibilities previously provided for them from external sources – like mom tying their shoes, zipping their coat, and putting them to bed. Growth occurs because the child wants to learn and be more self-reliant. Growth is slowed by too much dependence on outside help. Limits protect kids from dangers or things they can’t control themselves. Limits can and should change as children demonstrate the ability to self-regulate instead of needing external limits to regulate their behavior. Kids invariably want more freedom and more privileges. If they believe those freedoms and privileges are at the whim of controlling adults, then conflict arises between child and parent. Growth occurs if the child realizes that the conflict belongs in him and he is capable of changing it himself. If he develops greater responsibility and self-reliance, then the limits are relaxed accordingly. Therefore, conflict often belongs in the kid, not between parent and kid.

What is its value?

“Keep the conflict in the child” is a parental mantra to be repeated every time tension arises between parent and child around what hasn’t been done or should be done. If it is a mantra to be truly embraced, then it should guide our thinking before conflict breaks out. Anytime we are in conflict with our children we need to step back and ask ourselves, “Is this a case where the conflict needs to reside in the kid?” If we are nagging our child to do something, then the felt need to do it isn’t in the kid; it is in us. If we are badgering our child to complete an important assignment for school that is due the next day, the urgency is in us, not the child. Whose assignment is it? Who’s getting graded? Finding ways to effectively keep the conflict in the child saves a great deal of parent-child conflict. If only the child would let us.

So why is it so hard to do? Often, the conflict results from too much dependence and too little self-reliance, such as the way Mitch and Molly relate. Conflicts with kids about rules, limits, curfews can be angry and painful. But they are destined to continue as long as the child believes the parent is in control and is the one limiting them. In a healthy family, children know why limits exist and they also know what they need to take care of if they want those limits changed.

How is it achieved?

By explaining what level of responsibility warrants greater freedom or privilege, the parent puts the work (or conflict) back into the child. It is not a subjective or arbitrary granting of freedom by the parent. Instead, it is a privilege the child earns by demonstrating readiness. The training wheels come off the bike because the child demonstrates riding skill, not because he or she has reached a certain age.

The Magic Formula for Motivation

The Magic Formula

Children are motivated when they genuinely want a goal and believe they can accomplish it. That is quite different than a goal we want for them or we think they can or should attain. Getting it right, in terms of the Magic Formula: INVESTMENT = (I WANT) x (I CAN), is essential to motivation at school or at home.

The Essentials of Motivation

January of my senior year of college, four of us headed for Florida “to work on our tennis games”. As part of that on court development, we ventured into a Jai Alai arena in Miami one evening. Unfamiliar with the sport and ignorant of its subtleties, I quickly became bored and prepared to leave. But soon after placing a two-dollar bet, my face was plastered against the protective viewing glass screaming, “Go Quattro!” Anyone could see that after placing my bet, “I had skin in the game”. I went from passive and bored to an amped up fanatic. I share the experience because the difference in feeling was so dramatic, so visceral and so immediate. (It’s a little like filling out your NCAA basketball bracket in March and putting your $5 into the office pool.)

Red-faced and exhausted, you look across the kitchen table at your son and throw up your hands – unwilling to “go to the mat” with him one more time about finishing his homework. Now think, when it comes to finishing homework, “Who has the skin in the game?” As a parent, you are in a “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” position. You know for a fact that there is a world of difference in the outcomes of kids whose parents care and those who don’t. But at what price? You are their parent, not their friend. But you shouldn’t have to be the enemy in the process. Some days it feels like that, and you can see why many parents just let things slide. Parents do their own form of coasting. The child says, “I got it done at school” and accepting that excuse saves another evening of battling. Structure, limits and high expectations are essential. But motivation to do homework or work around the house should not just come from outside the child. There is a limit to how well that will work, and the older the child gets, the less well external sources of motivation work.

The secret to work at school, work at home, or work on the ball field is investment. If the child is not invested in the process, there are serious limits to what they can accomplish and how much they can be motivated. But, there is a magic formula for investment. Some might say, “Secret Formula” given the common absence of its application. It is simply:

(I want) x (I can) = Investment

If I have some skin in the game, if I truly want something, I am motivated to go after it. Equally as important is the belief that I can accomplish what I am after. When I want something and believe I am capable of achieving it, I’m invested. As a parent, a teacher, or a coach, we need to be on the correct side of this equation. If the child perceives the formula to read:

(You want) x (I can) = motivation

Then the investment depends more on not wanting to disappoint the parent, coach or teacher and less on something internal for the child. Like I said, the older the child, the less this second formula works. Adults who rely on the second formula usually have a rude awakening when the investment evaporates with adolescence.

Before you focus on what they should do, you need to focus on what goal they truly seek – what will make them “want” to do what it takes to get to that goal. At Oakland Tech High School, the kids in the Biotech Academy know that if they successfully complete their course work in the Academy, there is a job waiting for them in the industry upon graduation. For many impoverished kids with little hope or interest in completing high school, this opportunity stirs up the (I want). It still takes talented and motivated teachers to hold and promote high but achievable expectations for the (I can) part, but without the (I want), those efforts are usually falling on deaf ears.

So, before you get ready to do battle again, figure out how you help your child get some “skin in the game” and (want). Here’s a hint. Consider what the goal is and who is choosing it. If you have chosen it, then you have a lot of convincing to do to make the child want it as well. Here’s another hint: Start by listening (and being curious). If you start by joining them in their world, you have a good start at gradually pulling them into your world. Some kids accept the “because I said so” rationale. But if we are hoping for kids who think for themselves, our goals can quickly conflict on this course. It takes more work to find a course that includes a genuine (I want) on the part of the child, but the “because I said so” almost universally crashes and burns. And if it doesn’t, you have a whole set of different problems involving submission, accommodation, dependence, resentment, and depression waiting at the end of that developmental hallway. Or is that what we call, “normal adolescence”?

Visit the website for Teaching As Leadership: The Highly Effective Teacher’s Guide to Closing the Achievement Gap, by Steven Farr

Visit Grant Wiggins’ website to learn more about Understanding By Design

Understanding by Design, by Grant Wiggins at Amazon website

PA – Want practical advice about structuring homework effectively, including what not to do? Go to the University of Illinois Extension website: parenting247.org This is a great website for practical parenting advice (and the research behind it) from infancy through adolescence.

PA – When you see the PA, you will immediately know there is a link to some practical advice, instead of all my “think of the big picture” #@*& !

Mastery vs. Speed

Let’s have some fun and visit an old tale – The Three Little Pigs – for insight into Mastery vs. Speed.

The Three Little Pigs – Mastery vs. Speed

Schools place too much emphasis on speed and not enough on mastery. In subjects such as math, a child should not move to the next topic before the previous (underlying) concept has been mastered. To do so is comparable to building a house on a shaky foundation.

Mastery vs. Speed

Remember the story of the Three Little Pigs? Ever wonder why two of the pigs built houses out of straw and twigs, only to be blown away by the Big Bad Wolf? And what possessed the third little pig to build one out of brick? Was the third pig smarter – born with more talent – better genes? Actually, they were brothers, all from the same litter. And no, they weren’t that different in intelligence; they were pigs for goodness sake.

The first pig went to a school where speed was emphasized. He won top honors for being the “speediest” pig. He ate fast, wallowed fast, and built houses faster than anyone. Building them out of straw definitely helped with the speed thing, because it was available right on the job site. The second pig went to a school where he learned to build the best house in the time allotted. And that was what he did. He built a very fine house of twigs and came in under budget, with a half day to spare. The third pig went to a school where nothing got done on time, because everything had to meet a certain standard before it was complete. Naturally, the third pig was unemployed after graduation, because he took too long to finish projects. Consequently, he was left to build his own house in all his free time. So it went, with each row of bricks slowly added, but only after the row below was set and secure. And you know the end to this story.

Good houses like good scholarship rely upon securing each level before adding the next. A good education is like a good house, it has to rest on a solid foundation. So how is speed an essential factor in building a solid foundation? Ask the first two pigs.

What is more important, quality of work or speed to completion? If I am paying by the hour, maybe speed. But for surgeon, songwriter, barber, and telephone advisory person – I have to go with quality. In fact, if I am paying for successful completion of the job, speed is not my concern. So why is speed such a big deal in school? Why are tests almost always timed?

I had a Chemistry professor in college who gave untimed tests. At the end of the semester, I went to turn in my test and he asked, “So how did you do?” to which I responded, “Couldn’t get the last problem” to which he responded, “Then sit down and derive it”. Bless his heart. He sat there another forty minutes in the empty classroom, while I figured it out. He knew I could and he wasn’t going to let an arbitrary deadline keep me from showing it.

Speed comes with competence, but speed should not be a measure of competence. And for those who are just naturally speedier – walk faster, talk faster, think faster – do they deserve special status? When I go to my doctor, I dislike waiting too long, but I dislike even more, an appointment that is rushed, where I am not carefully listened to, where the doctor does not think deeply before offering an answer to my questions.

A focus on speed often has to do with the need to keep up. Keep up with the rest of the class, get done within the 50-minute class period, and be ready to start the next unit on Monday. But every child is different and every child learns at his or her own rate. Therefore, setting the pace at which they must progress through the course is a set up for half the class feeling bored and half the class feeling overwhelmed and frustrated, convinced they are “just no good at math” or “hate math” or “have math anxiety”.

Designing a class that allows for self-paced learning is a challenge – one many teachers cannot or will not undertake.

I can’t believe I did that!

Think back to when you were in middle school or high school. Can you think of something you did that you would prefer to simply remain a secret? Something you did that your best friend doesn’t even know about? Now are we getting somewhere? (It may not even be something you are ashamed of, but rather something you deeply regret not pursuing.)

You do not have to write this down. Heaven forbid you would leave some incriminating evidence around. Take five minutes, close your eyes, and replay what happened. I’ll bet it brings back some feelings. Don’t let those get too far away.

The first question for you is this: Would you do this “activity” again if you had the chance? Or, would you do things differently? Why? What would you think if your child did the same thing?

From the safe perch of adulthood looking backward, do you have any new insights about why you chose to do what you did? You say it wasn’t exactly a choice? Explain!

Consider the developmental competencies we have been reviewing. Were there one or two of them you wished you had a little more fully developed around that time? How would that have made a difference? Any idea of how that could have occurred in a more timely fashion? Or, did you just need to learn from your mistakes? If so, you are not thinking of the right story!

What do you think led you to do what you did? Was it somehow functional at the time, even though it may not make sense now? Why do you think it was so important at the time? Was it meeting a need you could not manage in a more effective way?

Well, enough of this recovering lost memories. My point is a simple one. We have all done things we regret. But if we think long and hard about why we did them, we may find some purposes they were serving.

If you consider the developmental goals I have described, perhaps this incident from your past gives you a little more incentive to consider the value of a proactive approach to development.

Armed with one of those competencies more fully developed, how would your story have played out differently?

Where Can We Ship Him?

(Ann had just returned from putting two-year-old Timmy down for a nap as she sat down with her six-year-old son, Seth.)

“Mommy, why does Timmy get to sit on your lap all the time?” asked Seth.

“Would you like some snuggle time with me?” his mom answered.

“No. I just wanted Timmy off your lap,” Seth said.

“Now that is an interesting request.”

“Timmy is a bother,” Seth explained. “When I try to color or paint or read my book, I look at Timmy and I think I’m missing something.”

“Are you?” asked his mom.

“Well, it feels that way. It feels like he’s getting something I’m not,” Seth continued.

“What is that?” Ann asked.

“A few minutes ago, it was your lap and your snuggles,” Seth explained.

“You can have both of those as much as you want,” Ann reminded him.

“I know. I know I can get a hug or a snuggle any time I want. But … “

“But what?” Ann asked.

With a very serious look, Seth turned to his mother and said, “I think the problem is Timmy. I think he just has to go. I can’t play when he’s around. I can hardly think.”

“How come?” Ann wondered.

“All I do is think about, ‘What is Timmy doing? What is Timmy getting? What is Timmy getting that I am not getting?’ Mom, the kid is driving me crazy,” Seth sighed.

“You spend a lot of time worrying about Timmy, don’t you?” observed Ann.

“No kidding. Is there a name for this?” Seth asked.

Quietly, Ann answered, “I think it is called a ‘Dilemma’.”

“What is a dimlenna?”

Ann smiled and explained, “A dilemma is a problem that is hard to figure out.”

“I think I have the dlemma figured out,” began Seth.

“I can’t wait to hear,” answered Ann, sounding genuinely curious.

“I’ve been thinking that Timmy needs a vacation. Think Grandma would want to have him visit?” asked Seth, expectantly.

“Well, Grandma always likes visits from us,” his mom said.

“No, Mom. I was thinking maybe she would just come and take Timmy for a month or two,” explained Seth with great seriousness.

“That’s quite a long vacation,” Ann observed.

“Well, I would kind of like her to keep him forever,” Seth continued, “but that might not be fair to Grandma.”

“I’m glad you were thinking of Grandma’s feelings,” she smiled.

“So I did some more thinking,” continued Seth, without missing a beat.

“I can’t wait to hear,” responded Ann, always curious about what will come out of her little boy next.

“I was thinking that Timmy could be adopted,” beamed Seth, rather proud of his latest plan.

“That is another interesting idea,” Ann responded.

“You keep saying that,” said Seth, giving her a confused look.

“You keep coming up with interesting ideas,” answered Ann, putting him at ease.

“You know how Glen is adopted?” began Seth.

“Yeah.”

“I was thinking, there must be a lot of families out there who want to adopt a nice little boy,” explained Seth, as if giving his opening statement to the court.

“So whom are they going to adopt?” responded Ann in the same rather formal tone.

“Timmy, of course,” he clarified, wondering how his mother missed such an obvious piece of the plan.

Ann continued in the semi-formal, serious tone with, “Adoption is complicated. Have you done all the paperwork?”

Seth hadn’t seen this one coming. “Paperwork? We can skip the paperwork, Mom. I know you hate paperwork.”

“Thank you for remembering that. I do hate paperwork,” laughed Ann switching easily from judge to mommy.

Seth had given his plan a lot of thought and he was quick with his come back. “I remembered the story where a baby is left in a basket on someone’s doorstep,” he began.

“Timmy is a little big for a basket isn’t he?” Ann observed, messing a little with his plan.

With a big, Cheshire-Cat-grin, Seth announced, “I already thought of that, Mom. We can strap him in his car seat.”

“So you plan to leave him on the doorstep in his car seat?” asked Ann, trying hard not to laugh.

“Yeah. That way, we’ll know Timmy is safe with his new family,” he continued.

“That was very thoughtful of you. Not every family has a good car seat,” responded Ann, not knowing quite what to do with such a compassionate disposal of a younger brother.

“So what do you think of my idea?” asked Seth, rather expectantly.

“Your idea reminds me of one I had once,” a mixture of emotions and memories surfaced for Ann while listening to Seth deal with his little brother dilemma.

“Really?” asked Seth, always eager to hear stories from when his mom and dad were kids.

“Yeah. When I was your age, I asked the UPS man if he would take your Uncle Kenny and ship him to Brazil,” Ann recalled with guilty pleasure.

“Really? What did the UPS man say?” asked Seth, really liking the sound of this approach.

He said, “Sure, but there is a whole lot of paperwork to fill out before it could happen”.

“Did you fill out the paperwork?” asked Seth.

“I tried, but there was way too much and I couldn’t understand it,” Ann explained.

“Guess that’s why you don’t like paperwork,” concluded Seth.

Ann smiled at the connection Seth had just made, “You know. I think you’re right.”

“I’m glad you didn’t send Uncle Kenny to Brazil,” Seth said. “I wouldn’t get to go fishing with him.”

“That’s true,” answered Ann. “You know, Uncle Kenny tried to get the mailman to take Uncle Phil when they were kids.”

“You guys were trying to get rid of younger brothers too?” asked Seth, pleasantly surprised.

“Yeah. I think it is kind of a family tradition,” Ann laughed.

“Not just our family, Mom. I know that Glen wants to send his little brother back to Korea,” Seth recalled, obviously having compared notes with another first-grader with a little brother problem.

“How’s that going for him?” asked Ann.

Seth looked up at her, “His mom and dad told him, ‘That’s not going to happen’.”

“So they didn’t like that idea much?” she observed.

“No. He said they got mad,” Seth elaborated.

“That’s too bad,” Ann sighed sympathetically. “Everybody I know with a little brother wishes they could get rid of him some time in their life.”

“All of the time, Mom,” Seth added with emphasis.

“Well, you said you were glad I didn’t send Kenny to Brazil,” Ann reminded Seth. “And I am too. I like having Kenny around.”

“You do now,” Seth clarified, “but how about when you were my age?”

Ann knew that when Seth focused on something he didn’t let go easily. But then again, she was the same way. In the midst of this conversation, she could recall how she felt at his age. “Good point. I really wanted to figure out those UPS papers.” Remembering how she felt made her sensitive to the dilemma Seth was wrestling with.

Seth continued, “So how about this idea? We send Timmy somewhere, but when he is all grown-up, like Uncle Kenny, he can come back.”

Despite knowing his answer, Ann asked, “And live with us?

“No, he’ll have his own house then.” Seth explained.

“You have really given this careful thought,” Ann smiled at her overlook-nothing-son.

“Yeah. So how about it, Mom?” Seth asked, expectantly.

“What about the paperwork?” she responded.

“You can help me with it,” Seth thought for a minute his mom’s sympathy meant she was on board with the brother-removal-project.

“You’re the one who wants to send him away,” she reminded him. “I think you are the one who should do the paperwork.”

Always thinking of every angle, Seth suggested, “Dad is good at paperwork. Maybe he can help me.”

“I think Dad really likes having Timmy around,” Ann responded rather soberly. “I doubt he’ll help you.”

“Do you think Dad wanted to send Aunt Susie away?” Seth wondered, knowing his feelings would probably apply to younger sisters as well.

“I don’t know,” Ann scratched her head. “But I know Daddy’s oldest brother tried to get him interested in running away from home together. Your dad was all packed to go and then Uncle Sammy told him he wanted him to go on ahead. He’d catch up.”

“I’ll bet Dad caught on to that one,” offered Seth.

“Well, actually, he took off walking,” she explained. “He got far enough that when it started to get dark, he got scared and some family brought him home.”

“Is that why Dad won’t send Timmy away?” Seth asked.

“What do you think?” Ann asked, knowing Seth had made the connection.

“Dad just never had a younger brother like us,” came his response, revealing how focused he remained on his little brother problem.

“Daddy WAS the younger brother,” she reminded him.

This exchange is playful, but important. Seth has begun to share his feelings about his younger brother. Ann is receptive and nonjudgmental, welcoming his openness. Although she does not quite know how to handle this situation, she falls back on what she knows is always good – genuine interest and empathy. The major intervention, if we can call it that, is sharing with Seth her own experiences with a younger brother she wanted to get rid of. Her attempt at inducing some empathy for younger brothers, by telling the story of Seth’s dad when he was the ‘victim’ probably elicited some insight and sympathy in the moment for his dad, but it was a stretch for her to think that was going to make a dent in Seth’s problem with Timmy. As we shall see, in the next vignette, she feels like she is starting all over again. Fortunately, she keeps those frustrations to herself. Seth is only six years old and resentment over the inclusion of a younger brother in the family does not just evaporate.

Bedtime: The Golden Hour of Parenting

Photographers know that the setting sun casts warm light that makes everything glow. They call this time of day, The Golden Hour. Bedtime offers similar opportunities for parents. It’s the Golden Hour when the very best of parenting is possible, from promoting creativity and empathy as you invent stories together, to internal discipline in the process of getting ready for bed, to secure attachment via a ritual that is constant and independent of any squabbles that may have preceded it. The Golden Hour of Parenting is when we help our children develop the competencies that will help them live happy, healthy lives.

The Bedtime Ritual

A healthy Bedtime Ritual includes a set time to begin getting ready for bed and a set time when lights go out and it is time to go to sleep. Between those two times, beginning and end, the child has responsibilities to carry out, depending on their developmental age. A young child may get his pajamas on and cooperate with bath and teeth brushing. An older child may need to bathe, pick up his toys, and put on his pajamas without prompting. Regardless of what the expectations are, the child understands that once those responsibilities are taken care of, the remaining time before “lights out” is available for the fun stuff, such as reading or telling stories. The sooner the responsibilities are completed, the more stories can be read. And… the child knows that the fun stuff ends at the appointed time.

The Bedtime Ritual can incorporate Core Parenting Principles

Here are some of the important parenting principles that can be emphasized at bedtime:

Remember the Magic Formula of Motivation
Replace External Control With Internal Control
Keep the Conflict in the Kid
Don’t Let the Cement Dry
Join Them In Their World

The Magic Formula of Motivation

The Magic Formula is simple and powerful:

Motivation = (I want) x (I can)

If children truly want something and know they are capable of accomplishing it, they are motivated.

Motivation is lacking, for instance in the case of math homework, when the formula looks like this:

Motivation =/= (teacher wants) x (I can’t)

In the case of the bedtime ritual, children are eager to have special time with mom or dad and they know they can accomplish what they need because the expectations are clear and doable.

Replace External Control with Internal Control

The promotion of self-reliance is another core goal of parenting. Young children need our protection, and caring for them is an expression of our love. But healthy development involves the shift from dependence to independence, as kids learn that mastery and self-reliance replace the need for parental controls. An authoritative parenting approach establishes clear limits, such as bedtime. It also provides children with a clear explanation for those limits and welcomes children’s questioning of those limits. When challenged, the simple answer that enables these limits to promote growth is, “Show us, through your (internal) self-regulation, that you are ready for those (external) limits to change”. Instead of battling over rules and rule breaking, parents and children should find mutual satisfaction and closeness while promoting moves toward greater self-reliance.

Keep the Conflict in the Kid

Sun Tzu in The Art of War has basic principles to follow. In the art of parenting, one important principle is Keep the Conflict in the Kid. The conflict is not in the child when getting ready for bed requires parental prompting, nagging or threatening. The structure of the Bedtime Ritual has the magic formula of motivation built in. Since the goal of bedtime stories is highly desirable and doable, the process remains within the child, who now must struggle to manage distractions and temptations as they complete their bedtime tasks. Whenever there is conflict between you and your child, you need to ask yourself, “Is the conflict in the child where it belongs?” For example, when your child argues with you about the purchase of an expensive pair of jeans, you say, “That’s what your clothing allowance is for. Use your own good judgment about the jeans.”

Don’t Let the Cement Dry

The principle of Don’t Let the Cement Dry is a simple way of reminding us that the sense our children make of their world may not be accurate, objective, or healthy. It’s always good to listen to what meaning our children make of events, especially events that were upsetting or conflictual. By asking our kids, “How was your day”, we hear how they interpreted the events of the day and have the opportunity to ask enough questions to get them to think more deeply about the event or what others involved may have been feeling. Science has taught us that we are all vulnerable to a number of cognitive biases and logical thinking is a valuable skill to promote during childhood, especially in our “alternative facts” world. Cognitive science has taught us that memories get laid down as we sleep and after the “cement” dries, assumptions become beliefs, which become biases.

Join Them in Their World

When you wish to engage your child, the default is always, join them in their world first. The ability to join your child in their world begins with an awareness of your child’s interests and pursuits. Your genuine curiosity and interest not only makes a connection with your child, it teaches your child the secret to connecting with others. Joining your child in their world also conveys interest in and validation of the child’s thoughts and feelings, which is fundamental for healthy self-esteem. This engagement teaches your child what they are entitled to in relationships vis-à-vis empathy and understanding.

So how do you join them in their world? Just listen to them. They’ll tell you what they are interested in; whether it is earthmovers, dinosaurs, space ships, or puppies. Be prepared to be a role player in your child’s make believe story, the provider of supplies for the budding artist, or the curious listener to the bad-awful-day. Your unconditional interest is a powerful basis for developing genuine self-esteem and their willingness to risk being vulnerable.

Genuine self-esteem is just one of a number of competencies that have been shown to be essential for a healthy navigation to adolescence. Read on to see how the Bedtime Ritual can promote healthy child development.

Promoting Developmental Competencies:

Stanley Greenspan, M.D., in his book, Great Kids, identified ten areas of competence that thriving kids possess. Not surprisingly, those qualities map beautifully onto the known characteristics of healthy adults. (1) Each of these competencies, listed below can be promoted during bedtime. The expectations for the child and the activities you choose as part of the Bedtime Ritual naturally evolve with the child’s developmental growth. Below are some examples of how the Bedtime Ritual can promote these developmental competencies.

Relatedness

What a great opportunity to snuggle with your child as you read stories or talk about the day. Your child comes to trust that this time is special for both of you, which you look forward to just as they look forward to it. They can trust that this special time will always be available, regardless of what “behaviors” may have occurred earlier in the day. This constancy and genuine interest is what secure attachment is all about.

Curiosity

This is a time when your child has you all to herself and experiences your genuine interest in her and her day. Her curiosity is promoted as she asks one ‘why’ question after another during your stories or talks. Instead of just giving answers, ask her to be curious about searching for answers. Kids are born curious. Don’t let her lose that constant curiosity.

Empathy

When they tell you about their day, you have a chance to ask how they felt and empathize with them. As you read stories, you can show them how you empathize with the characters. Learning to be empathic begins with experiencing the empathy of others.

Communication

Isn’t that what story time is all about? Instead of just reading to your child and letting them passively listen, you have the opportunity to ask them questions that stimulate thoughts, ideas, feelings, and opinions. Asking your child to explain and elaborate, whatever the topic, promotes their ability to communicate effectively. When they want to take control of the story, let them become the author. Whether it is listening to stories or telling stories, their verbal vocabulary grows. And as soon as they master phonics, they’ll be able to translate verbal vocabulary into reading vocabulary.

Emotional Competence

Reading stories, telling stories, and “how was your day” talks are great venues for exploring emotional awareness and expression. Asking your child how that character (in the story) must feel? Or, asking, “how did you feel when your teacher did not pick you to be the hall monitor?” Learning to self-soothe urgencies and frustrations in order to have their special time with you is a valuable developmental process.

Genuine Self-Esteem

By joining them in their world, and listening with genuine interest and curiosity, we teach our children that their thoughts and feelings are worthy of expression. By letting your child grab hold of the story you are telling and give their own twist to it, they feel entitled to assert their ideas.

Internal Discipline

Learning to get ready for bed in time for stories is all about learning internal discipline. Instead of depending on you to prompt each step of the way, they realize that the shortest route to what they want goes through “taking care of business”. When your child lobbies for a later bedtime, you simply ask them to show you they are ready by taking care of responsibilities such as waking up, getting ready for school, and being on time for the bus, all without parental help.

Logical Thinking

Your child is never too young to begin learning about their fast thinking vs. slow thinking brains. The stories you read or the interactions they recall have elements for asking about how to problem solve logically, which is the start of developing self-control for the fast thinking (impulsive) kid (in all of us). It never hurts to help your child see things from another’s perspective. In other words, we get to the bottom of misperceptions before the cement dries.

Creativity and Vision

What better time for your child to stretch their imagination in the form of story telling or developing a vision for what they aspire to as they tell you, “when I grow up I’m going to …”. There’s no reason why bedtime needs to be limited to books and stories. If your child is visual and enjoys drawing or design, have paper and markers handy. Take turns making a drawing from the random squiggles laid down by each other.

Moral Integrity

Bedtime can be a valuable time to talk about what happened that day – especially when something upsetting happened at school, or with a friend. You can help them problem solve a solution and your “why” questions help them get at solutions that are well thought out and healthy. Your child learns from your reactions to right and wrong behaviors, whether it is theirs or some character in a story. They care what you think and feel about them and their behavior. They can see when you empathize with others, especially those who have been mistreated.

Responsibility & Purpose

It is never too early to ask your child what gives them pleasure, then satisfaction, and when they are old enough, purpose. When your child expresses concern about some issue, you can help them brainstorm a plan for greater involvement. For instance, there may be many planning sessions at bedtime that precede the follow though on adopting a pet.

Examples of Bedtime Interactions:

What form might the bedtime ritual take? How might you promote one or more of these competencies? Here are some examples, fictional of course, of possible parent-child interactions during the Golden Hour. I’ve included one for each of the core principles described above, and tried to give a bit of range in children’s ages.

Ideally, the bedtime ritual begins early in childhood. But it can start at any age. Just like kids quickly learn what the rules are when they enter a new classroom with a new teacher, they can do so with the structure you create. And the more responsible they become, the more you can allow them some say in the form it takes. The first vignette is typical of what happens when the bedtime ritual is first introduced. The child forgets, tests the limits, tries to bargain, and eventually takes responsibility for making it work. This vignette captures the spirit of both the Magic Formula and Replace External Control With Internal Control.

Vignette 1 – Frustration with Limits

Child: It’s not bedtime. I’m not tired. (Child continues playing with his Legos)

Parent: I’ll be in your bedroom waiting to read to you.

Child continues to play, ignoring his bedtime routine and the time.

With ten minutes left in his bedtime he finds his dad sitting by his bed, reading the book they started the night before.

Child: That’s no fair. You are reading without me.

Parent: There’s still a little time left.

Child hurries off to the bathroom to brush his teeth and put on his pj’s. While he is there, he dawdles some more. By the time he returns to his bedroom, his father is closing the book and standing up.

Child: Where are you going? You haven’t read me stories yet.

Parent: Bedtime is over. It’s time to go to sleep.

Child: But that’s not fair. You read our book without me.

Parent: Get ready in time tomorrow so we can read as much as possible.

Child: Just read to me for five minutes. Please. I can’t go to sleep if you don’t read to me.

Parent: You are a very good arguer. I like reading to you, so get ready early tomorrow so we can get all caught up.

Child: I’m not going to sleep if you don’t read to me.

Parent: I know you are upset. So figure out how to get ready faster next time so you have extra time.

Child: It’s not fair.

Parent: Give me a hug, goodnight.

The following evening, the child is ready for bed well ahead of schedule.

Child: Come on Dad. We have stories to read.

Parent: Are you all ready?

Child: Yep. See. PJ’s. Teeth. And all my toys are put away.

Parent: Great. I was hoping we’d have extra time for reading.

Vignette 2 – Don’t Let the Cement Dry Overnight

In this vignette, the parent knows to be curious about the child’s day. Fortunately, this girl was asked to think more carefully about what happened at school and the sense she made of it, instead of going to bed mad at her friend and going to school prepared to treat her friend based on an assumption that was false. Isn’t that how wars start?

Parent: Mom told me something happened at school today.

Child: “I hate Dana”

P: “I thought Dana was your best friend.”

C: “Was (my best friend).”

P: “What happened?”

C: “Dana picked Sam instead of me today. Dana always picks me first.”

P: “I’ll bet that hurt your feelings.”

C: “Yeah. We always play on the same team.”

P: “Did you ask Dana why?”

C: “Seriously?”

P: “What did you do?”

C: “I tripped Dana on the way into class (after recess).”

P: “How’d that feel?”

C: “Good. Because I was mad.”

P: “You and Dana are always together. What made today different?”

C: “Maybe Dana decided to make Sam her best friend.”

P: “Here’s my phone. Call Dana right now and ask her why she picked Sam instead of you.”

C: “You can’t be serious.”

P: “Do you want to go to sleep thinking your best friend doesn’t like you anymore?”

Bzzzzz (child calling)

C: “Dana. It’s me. Why did you pick Sam instead of me?”

(long pause)

“Oh …. Oh ….”

(long pause)

“I’m sorry I tripped you.”

(child hangs up)

P: “What did Dana say?”

C: “She said Sam was sad because her grandma died and she needed to be cheered up.”

Fortunately, our parent inspected the job site before the cement dried.

Vignette 4 – Your Turn

Here is an example of a tradition many kids enjoy: the spontaneous making up of bedtime stories. In this vignette, at the child’s request, they are making up a story together. This is a variation on the theme of joining them in their world. As you read, notice how the child is working through her own issues about relating to others. In the story that they create, low and behold, joining others in their world turns out to be a great way to connect with others, whereas demanding that they join you in yours is a total nonstarter.

Parent: What would you like to do tonight?

Child: Let’s make up a story.

P: Who is going to start?

C: I am!

Parent: Good. I like it when you start stories.

C: Once upon a time, there was a very selfish little girl, who wanted everything her way. One day, she went to a friend’s house to play, but the girl was already playing with someone else. Your turn.

P: What an interesting start. When she saw the girl playing with someone else, she got angry and told the girl she needed to play with her. But the two girls just laughed at her and told her to go away. Your turn.

C: She was sad. So she went home and played with her dog. But her dog didn’t want to play fetch. He rolled on his back to get his tummy scratched. When the little girl kept trying to play fetch, her dog walked away. Your turn.

P: “Why the glum face”, her mother asked, when she came in the kitchen?

“No one will play with me. Not even Boomer.”

“Oh, that’s too bad.” Your turn.

C: So the girl asked her mother to play with her. But her mother said she was busy making cookies. “See, nobody wants to play with me,” the girl said to her mom. Her mom said, “You are good at making cookies. Why don’t you help me?” Your turn.

P: The girl said she didn’t want to make cookies. She wanted to make a cake. Her mom said that she could make a cake by herself or she could make cookies with her. Her choice. Your turn.

C: The girl was mad and walked out of the kitchen. But she got bored and came back to see if her mom would still let her make cookies. Her mom said, “sure”.

Children’s Book Suggestion for Bedtime

Finally, if you want a book that beautifully speaks to the Bedtime Ritual, take a look at A Story for Small Bear by Alice B. McGinty (2020, Schwartz and Wade Books, illustrated by Richard Jones). Good writers follow the adage, “show me, don’t tell me”. When it comes to getting ready for bed, this book does just that. Small Bear can’t dilly or dally, because she has to get ready to hibernate for the winter. It is a delightful story for kids and a beautiful metaphor for bedtime that parents will put to good use when talking about “dallying and dallying” at bedtime.

This post is an example of what you can find in the Parent Toolkit – Practical Ideas section, accessible from the main menu on the home page of the website.

I Can’t Let Him Fall

I Can’t Let Him Fall

To get things started for Neal’s trip back in time, let’s take a look at an incident that happened when Neal was about ten years old. We know that Neal’s parents needed to become more active in their parenting. No more “love ‘em and leave ‘em alone” approach. Let’s look at how they have to put their own issues aside and focus on what’s best for Neal. This vignette shows a common parental bind of supporting curiosity and growth versus ensuring safety. It was put to the test when Neal’s climbing got him into some serious trouble. Let’s tune into the conversation between Neal and Kim in the hospital emergency room.

“What were you doing on top of the backstop, honey?” Kim asked while she stroked Neal’s forehead.

“Practicing my mountain climbing,” responded Neal, wincing with pain.

“Backstops are for stopping baseballs, not climbing.”

“No, it’s easy. It’s got lots of places to hold on. I just got distracted.”

“You “just” got a broken elbow,” said Kim.

“Is the coach mad at me?” asked Neal.

“Why would he be mad?”

“He was shouting at me.”

“He was worried you were going to fall,” Kim explained.

“He started running and I thought I was in trouble,” Neal recalled.

“No, honey. He was scared and wanted to come help you get down.”

“I always get down, Mom.”

“Not like you did today.”

“Is the coach going to let me play?” Neal asked, worried about no longer being on the team.

“After you get your cast off. Six weeks, I think,” his mom explained. “Then you have to teach your elbow to bend again,” she said

“What do mountain climbers do when they fall and break their arms?” Neal asked.

“They use ropes and have other people with to catch them.”

“Yeah, I should have brought you with, shouldn’t I?” Neal said.

“That would have been one solution. Do you want us to teach you how to climb safely?” Kim asked.

“Cool. Does Daddy know how to climb?” Neal perked up.

“He will by tomorrow,” Kim said.

ANALYSIS

Only a hundred yards away, straight across the park behind their house, hardly out of her view, and he fell and broke his elbow. Kim was feeling pretty guilty for not supervising Neal more closely. But he had always been a climber and she had learned to tolerate his tree climbing in the back yard. He had walked to baseball practice before with no problems. There were lots of kids and parents around. So her interview of him was genuine curiosity, but she was also wondering what she should have done differently in terms of allowing him his chance to be a normal kid yet still protect him as a mother.

It appeared that he arrived before everyone else, and the backstop was “just there”, begging to be climbed. In fact, she knew he had climbed the backstop multiple times with no problem and the trees he climbed were considerably taller. Her quizzing revealed that Neal believed he was going to get into trouble with his coach for climbing the backstop. He misinterpreted the yelling and running of the coach as anger. If he knew that climbing (the backstop) was a forbidden activity during practice, he assumed he was in trouble. It did not occur to him that the coach’s yelling and running were out of concern for his safety. This was an understandable assumption for a grade school kid to make, especially when he was pushing the boundaries a little. Not every adult was tolerant, flexible, understanding, or concerned.

Despite being scared and angry, Kim did a good job of analyzing before acting (on those feelings). Simply being curious helped her better understand, ala I-E-B-R, analysis why Neal was doing something so foolish. In addition, Kim’s quizzing helped Neal understand that there were other possible ways to view the situation and that the coach was not necessarily angry with him. Kim made A MESS, beginning with a good assessment, rather than adding to the mess. Kids can make assumptions based on their observations or experiences or expectations. Without some perspective, like his mother was providing, Neal could be left to believe the story he created. Without parental perspective, these assumptions could become beliefs or guide behaviors that made these assumptions more likely to come true. Kim knew the value of a good “debriefing” after an incident like this, after something she knew occurred at school, or just at night before bed when asking about his day. You can see the promotion of logical thinking (LT) and communication (COM) in her ‘debriefing’ of Neal.

I Don’t Want To Fall

It took a couple of months for Neal’s elbow to heal and regain sufficient flexibility. Unfortunately, that also gave Neal ample opportunity to focus on how miserable it felt to have a broken elbow. In the process, his enthusiasm for climbing had changed a bit. David is preparing to head to the climbing gym with Neal – or at least that’s what he thinks.

“Are you ready to go, kiddo?” David asked.

“I don’t want to go,” replied Neal, now fully recovered from his broken elbow.

“I thought you wanted to be a mountain climber when you grew up?”

“I do. I want to climb, but I don’t want to fall.”

“That’s why you learn to climb with ropes.”

“I keep thinking how bad it felt to break my elbow, and how I couldn’t play baseball all summer, and how I had to wear that elbow bending machine…”

“You’ve had a long time to sit and worry. You used to climb and not worry enough,” David observed.

“Do they have a video game for climbing?” Neal asked.

“If they don’t, I’m sure you will invent one. Come on. Let’s get down to the gym. We’ll start off with safe stuff, close to the ground. I’ll be with you and I won’t let you get hurt. Besides, if you get hurt, your mom will hurt me worse.”

“Do you think we need to buy me some climbing shoes?” Neal asked, his attention having shifted.

“Sneakers got you to the top of the backstop just fine,” his dad reminded him.

“But maybe that’s why I fell. I didn’t have the proper equipment. You want me to be safe, don’t you?”

“I do want you to be safe. That’s why we are going to the gym to learn how to climb safely. If you want climbing shoes, save up your money. That’s what allowances and grandparents are for,” David laughed.

“Grandma. Great idea. Why didn’t I think of her? She’ll want me to be safe.”

ANALYSIS

Instead of getting right back up on the horse that threw him, Neal had to wait for his elbow to heal. While he waited, he had time to think about falling and recognize how upsetting it was to get hurt. Instead of having fun climbing, he had time to worry. His father knew him well enough to realize that if he just got underway with the climbing at the gym he would regain his interest in climbing. He also trusted that the safety precautions at the gym would give Neal a greater sense of control and security. For that reason, he was encouraging Neal to reengage, rather than just taking him at his word that he did not really want to go. David was tuned into Neal’s interests, history, and coping style enough that he knew better than to just respond to the content of the moment.

David was making A MESS of Neal and the climbing. He was attuned to Neal’s longstanding passion for climbing, his anxiety given his accident, and his extended convalescence that allowed him to sit and catastrophize. In communicating (COM) with Neal, he knew not to simply take him at his word when he said he didn’t want to go to the gym. He put that response into context with what he knew about Neal’s interests and fears. David recognized that if Neal mastered the basics of safe climbing, he would have the ability to engage and soothe himself when challenged. To become a safe and competent climber Neal needed to re-engage. Since Neal is worried, David was there to soothe his worry with reassurances that he would protect him. David trusted that the engagement would eventually lead to mastery and confidence. He also trusted that Neal would eventually learn to soothe himself sufficiently to engage and stay engaged. To ask Neal to do this for himself today would have been overwhelming and traumatic. So today, David provided the security and soothing for him. In the long-run, he hoped climbing could become a source of satisfaction and genuine self-esteem (GSE) for Neal.

Telling his father he no longer wanted to climb was simply Neal’s attempt to relieve his fear of falling. His father knew that avoidance of engagement had allowed anxiety to grow into lasting fears. Therefore, he was going to help Neal get back to something he knew his son enjoyed. In that moment, David was the holder of the ambitions and wishes he knew Neal possessed. He was trying to remind him of those goals to offset the urgent wish to avoid. David was helping Neal deal with his anxiety through the use of logical thinking (LT). The trusted relationship (REL) between father and son provided the support for reengaging and staying calm enough to follow through.

David was also teaching Neal emotional competence (EC). He was telling Neal that he can depend on him to keep him safe and Neal knew from past experience that his father was a reliable source of protection and support, so was willing to take more risk with his father at his side. David also intended to show Neal that some of that protection and support would ultimately come in the form of Neal’s mastery of the ropes, harness and belaying techniques employed in climbing.

This post exemplifies the vignettes and analysis to be found in the Neal – Starting Over section, accessible from the main menu on the home page.

The Goldilocks Principle

The Goldilocks Principle [AM1]

Working within a Zone of Proximal Development promotes growth. ZPD is defined by the zone (tasks or expectations) just beyond what a child can do independently, yet short of what would be overwhelming, even with help. With the help of instruction and/or support (scaffolding) a child can take on new challenges. That scaffolding is gradually withdrawn as the skill is mastered, and the zone is adjusted upwards.

ZPD Is Where We Learn Best

Remember the story of Goldilocks? Of course. Do you remember Vygotsky and the Zone of Proximal Development? Maybe not? Let’s finally put Goldilocks to some good use. Of all people, “Why Goldilocks?” you ask? I’m finding value in that totally self-absorbed, overly entitled, seriously unsupervised little brat? Hear me out. We may get some actual work out of Goldie yet. By linking ZPD and Goldilocks, perhaps the former will be easier to access and the latter will be easier to tolerate.

As you recall, after breaking and entering, Goldilocks began her comfort seeking. “Not too hard, not too soft, just right.” … “Not too hot, not too cold, just right.” Actually that theme is an important one to remember. In fact, let’s call it a principle. The Goldilocks’ Principle: Not too ____, Not too _____, Just right? That’s much easier than calling it the Zone of Proximal Development, which is an essential part of any toolkit for parents, teachers, and coaches.

In its simplest form, ZPD means that children learn best when the work is not too hard, nor too easy, but just right. Vygotsky actually made it a little more sophisticated than a mere paraphrasing of Goldilocks. He said that the Zone of Proximal Development is defined at the lower limit by what children are capable of doing independently, with no help. The upper limit is bounded by what children are not yet capable of doing, even with the help of an adult. Bored vs. Overwhelmed for those of you who want to keep it as simple as it should be. Within the ZPD, children are capable of more challenging work if they have the assistance of an adult. In other words, they are challenged, but they have the necessary support to take it on. Operating within the ZPD means that as they begin to master the work, the amount of necessary support is reduced and the ZPD is adjusted upwards.

Goldilocks Principle (GP) = Zone of Proximal Development (ZPD)

Goldilocks Principle (GP)	Zone of Proximal Development (ZPD)	What My Mother Calls “Common Sense”
“Too Hot”	Cannot do, even with help	Overwhelmed
“Just Right”	Zone of Proximal Development	Challenged (w/ support)
“Too Cold”	Can do independently	Bored

The support that allows the child to take on the more challenging work is often called scaffolding, as in the structure used to support workmen while constructing a building. In this case, the scaffolding (in the form of demonstrations, corrective feedback, support or encouragement) is withdrawn as the child attains mastery of the skill and no longer needs the support. Children need high expectations, but they also need the structure and support to make those expectations attainable.

Another good way to remember the workings of ZPD and scaffolding is to visualize a child learning to rock climb. With the aid of a harness, belaying rope and coach, the child can take on the challenge of climbing, trust that he will be safe when he falls, learn from his mistakes, and constantly improve. Without the belaying, most kids stay close to the ground, while the others put the orthopedist’s children through college.

(in terms of BIG IDEAS in Child Development, they don’t get any bigger than Vygotsky’s ZPD)