Chapter 1: MITCH
Making A MESS, A Roadmap
We’ve witnessed Mitch in his less than finer moments – threatening a teacher, slugging a teammate, and cursing his mother. Anger Management issues you say? ADHD? That impulsivity was not just around issues of anger. It was pervasive. Remember what got him into those angry, out-of-control spots? The one involving his mother began with him avoiding his homework until it was too late. Did he not pay attention to what he needed to do? Or did he impulsively choose to do what helped him avoid?
The cumulative effect of this approach to school left Mitch way behind in math and vulnerable to the potentially humiliating experience with the teacher. A kid who was on top of his math would not have been defensive like Mitch and never would have gotten into an angry show down. We can think of each of these incidents as impulsive outbursts. But when we dig into the background, we see that Mitch’s impulsive avoidance of challenges, frustrations, and potential failures has left him vulnerable to situations that evoke his defensive anger.
| Was Mitch just impulsive by nature? Compared with other kids, he certainly was. If we asked Molly she would say that from the very beginning, Mitch was constantly on the move, into everything, restless and difficult to calm and soothe. So Molly started with a kid who was clearly more challenging than most. More often than not, Mitch went straight from impulse to behavior. Mitch was not very verbal either. Whereas other kids would have pointed or asked for something, Mitch usually grabbed or lunged. In other words, Mitch went straight from URGENCY to ACTION. |
Analyze Before You Act, Mitch
So how is Molly to get out from behind this biological eight ball? As kids mature, they learn to regulate their behavior. They learn to analyze before they act. Mitch goes from urgency to action with no analysis in between. Teaching Mitch to Analyze Before He Acts is Molly’s challenge if she gets a chance to start over.
Her goal, then, would be URGENCY, ANALYSIS, ACTION.
Analyzing means that we have put thoughts into words so that we can ponder ideas, plans, and possible action. So the first step for Molly and Mitch is to develop his verbal ability so that he can eventually think about his urgency to act.
With an active ADHD kid, we can often feel like a traffic cop. “Stop”, “No”, “Wait”, and “Go” are the commands we are constantly barking to manage the frenetic behavior (or impulsive actions). But one word commands are really no different than the behavioral style we are concerned about. It’s the parent version of Urgency > Action. In our head we may be thinking, “Oh, my God, he is going to tip over that lamp” but what comes out of our mouths is “STOP”.
When Mitch hears mom/cop yell, “Stop”, he takes a sharp right, throws it in reverse, or blows through the intersection. What he does not do is stop and ask the cop, “Why did you request that I stop?”
From the earliest moments, the new Molly took a different approach with Mitch. She took every opportunity to attach words to urgencies and actions. Instead of allowing or blocking a grabbing toddler, Molly holds the coveted object and extracts a “Mitch do” first. When he jumps up to leave the dinner table or fly out the back door, instead of ignoring it or preventing it, Molly engages him ever so briefly in a dialogue about what it is he wants to do and why. In the process, she is helping Mitch begin to attach words and thoughts to his urgencies and actions. She starts him thinking about acting. For now, she provides the missing piece of cortex that goes between urgency and action. Like any good muscle, it won’t develop unless it is exercised.
What kind of A MESS is Molly trying to make? She is (A) attuned to the fact that Mitch is temperamentally predisposed to impulsivity. She also knows that thought and analyses are the best curbs on impulsivity. Analysis is a verbal process; therefore Mitch needs to be able to put his urges into words. This development of emotional competency and communication needs to develop early to “avoid” such out-of-control behavior. Consequently, (M) mastery will involve helping Mitch label his feelings (Emotional Competency) and verbalize (Communication) his plans. Molly provides the engagement (E), as she holds him long enough to help him attach words to his feelings and wishes. To delay his actions long enough to put words to the process going on is a form of engagement that he lacked without Molly’s help. Without her involvement, acting on his urgency is what provided relief. Mitch was self-soothing, but doing it without thoughtful awareness of what needed soothing and why. By asking him to put words to the urgency and action, Molly has provided Mitch with the beginnings of a means to find other ways to self-soothe in the future, because he can start to think about what is going on between the ears.
While we’re on the topic of MESS making, and since we’re getting this second chance with Mitch by turning back the clock and starting over, let’s do some further assessment. If we are going to make A MESS of Mitch, let’s do it right.
What does A (assessment) reveal?
What does our assessment of Mitch reveal? By the time we found him screaming at his mother’s bedroom door, he was sorely lacking in Internal Discipline (ID) and Emotional Competence (EC). If not, he would have taken care of his homework ahead of time and he wouldn’t have been out-of-control.
We might as well throw in a lack of Empathy (EMP) and Moral Integrity (MI) while we are at it, since his mother was not the only person we found Mitch threatening. Remember the student teacher, the kids on the playground, and the bulldozed opponents we saw him victimize earlier? With Genuine Self-Esteem (GSE), he likely would not have needed such shows of dominance. When we last checked in with him, sexual conquests were a substitute for self-esteem, and smoking weed was a substitute for self-soothing or tolerating emotional discomfort. Yes, Mitch was a mess, in need of A MESS.
How will the making A MESS approach be used with Mitch?
Telling Mitch how to behave or what is important will yield absolutely nothing. His ADHD will only confound the problem of him not listening to reason. With the exception of the magical (and mythical) Coach Carson, Mitch was not interested in listening. In this new beginning, Mitch needs to experience, day-to-day, even hour-to-hour, A MESS making process.
It will be important to incorporate the developmental goals we have for Mitch into his daily routine in a way that mastering these goals is something he wants to do and something he believes he can do. Sound familiar, as in the old magic formula? (See Parent Toolkit – Magic Formula)
MOTIVATION = (I can) x (I want)
What better place to start with the Internal Discipline (ID) goal than at bedtime? Every night – same routine – same goal – same effect. I know what you are thinking. If you have a Mitch in your life, you know what a battle bedtime can be. However, bedtime, for Mitch and all other kids, is the richest time of the day for effective parenting and developmental growth. Just wait. I’ll prove it. (See Parent Toolkit – Bedtime: The Golden Hour of Parenting)
Getting Mitch to cooperate with bedtime, homework, and household responsibilities will depend on Molly getting on the correct side of that magic formula. She’ll have to figure out what Mitch wants – or shall we say she’ll have to create something that Mitch wants – sufficient to hold his attention and gain his cooperation.
Let’s say Molly finds the Holy Grail in terms of motivating Mitch. She still has to contend with his inability to attend. Mitch certainly starts off more challenged than many other kids in his ability to pay attention. But he can grow increasingly better at it. And that is a big part of Molly’s goal, developing an increasingly better ability to pay attention, avoid distractions, and get stuff done. In other words, developing Internal Discipline (ID).
She’ll need to find some way to put that process into Mitch, instead of continuing to remind, prompt, correct, and nag. As we saw earlier, that dependent relationship was a train wreck in the making. On the track of dependency, they were going to collide. Yet, off the track, without direction, Mitch would crash and burn. Molly needed to steer a different course as early as possible given her look into the future.
So how is she going to “put the conflict in the kid”? Instead of nagging Mitch all day to make sure he gets everything done, Molly will adopt a different approach that divides Mitch’s day into discrete segments of time and responsibilities. For instance, he will have an hour to get ready for bed, at the end of which all electronics go off, including mom. He’ll have two hours to finish his homework; forty minutes to clear the table and load the dishwasher; and four hours to get his Saturday “chores” done. Before you roll your eyes and give that contemptuous snort, hear me out. Within those time limits, whatever time is left after completion of his responsibilities, he gets to play. Whether it is Saturday outing with Mom, extra story time before bed, playing Wii after dinner, or playing video games after homework, the deal is the same – “the sooner you finish your work, the more time you have to play.” Mitch’s whole day, every day, is divided into little yoked segments of work and play. As long as Molly is consistent with endings really being endings, then she can enjoy more time as cheerleader and less as Nurse Ratched.
How will A MESS process be transferred from parent to child?
Mitch will need a great deal of help completing tasks. It will be a challenge to transform that help into self-reliance. Helping Mitch learn to make A MESS of himself will be a primary goal as will helping Mitch recognize the value of developing self-reliance. Just as Coach Carson wanted Mitch to learn how to analyze the batters and how to pitch, so do we wish for Mitch to learn to analyze before he acts in the rest of his life.
How does this translate into specific areas of his life?
We certainly cannot cover a whole childhood or even a whole list of developmental goals. Mitch would easily be a three-volume set. So we’ll focus on certain areas of his life, tasks and goals that are daily, and ones that involve his mother. Bedtime, homework, household responsibilities, and video gaming are the areas we will use as arenas for Mitch’s Brave New World. Maybe by the time he is an adolescent, he won’t need soma (so much momma).
What does Mitch need to M (master)?
Within these areas of his life, Mitch will have small goals to master, before moving on to the next level. In math, this is easy to define. He needs to memorize all the products when multiplying numbers 1-9. Next goal would be multiplying times two-digit numbers and learning to carry from the 1’s to the 10’s column.
For daily living, goals and levels of mastery can be defined. For instance, for the care of his teeth, brushing while a parent watches, dispensing toothpaste, removing all visible debris, and demonstrating capability of flossing represent a hierarchy of skills. For Mitch, moving to a level where he flosses while she watches represents a giant leap forward from her wrestling around in his mouth while using a knee to keep him from moving. But you get the idea.
How will his mastery be measured?
Defining of subsequent goals and helping him move toward independent accomplishment of those goals – without Molly having to nag! Getting him to reliably bring home his homework assignments can be a frustrating goal to accomplish, but teaching him to log on to the website that lists his assignments is doable. (In that case, nagging the teacher to create the web link is more productive than nagging her son every day for his assignments.) The goals for him to master may come in tiny bite sizes, but mastery means that Mitch takes care of it and his mother is no longer necessary, one bite at a time. That is the real measure of mastery – self-reliance.
How will goals be readjusted as mastery evolves?
As mastery is achieved, expectations adjust upward accordingly. We humans have a built in drive toward mastery and a sense of satisfaction from those successes. However, the Mitch we met as a teenager was no longer motivated by curiosity or the desire to master. He was more motivated by a desire to dominate and/or avoid humiliation. He felt good about himself relative to where he stood in comparison with others – as in winning and losing. Molly will have her hands full trying to keep Mitch’s curiosity alive when his attention bounces so quickly from one thing to another. Perhaps she will have to nurture curiosity about winning?
How does Mitch benefit from gaining mastery?
Mitch will have to appreciate what comes of mastery besides besting others on the ball field. Children are proud of themselves when they can tie their own shoes and zip their parkas, not because they are comparing themselves with others. They just feel good about the mastery and independence. The secret for Molly will be keeping that internal process alive with Mitch. She’ll want him to continue to strive for greater mastery and competence and allow it to be its own reward. Molly will need to find a way for reading and math to be internally satisfying processes. Something more than using math to win at fantasy football? It’s a start.
What form will E (engagement) take?
What we wish for is not always what we get. Much of motivating Mitch, engaging him, will rely heavily on external rewards. Mitch is not a kid who can easily be intrigued with a problem and then immerse himself in it for hours, like DJ or Sam. Mitch will need structure to sustain his engagement. But what we will look for is gradual shifts in the how much external structure is needed and to what extent Mitch can provide that structure for himself. For instance, over the course of early childhood, Mitch could move from direct involvement of Molly in brushing his teeth, washing his face, and hanging up his clothes, to setting those items out for him on the counter, to Mitch setting and doing for himself with some (non parental) prompt.
How will engagement be sustained?
Early engagement for Mitch will require Molly’s direct involvement. But during that involvement she can begin to give words to the process so that Mitch learns to think about plans and actions. Instead of the structure residing in Molly, she can help him talk out loud about, “I need to do x,y,z so that I can get to a,b,c”. Just like Coach Carson will later teach Mitch to think about pitching while he faces batters, Molly will help Mitch learn to think about planning and action everywhere other than the pitcher’s mound. Instead of engaging Mitch with commands or halting his behaviors with “no” or “stop”, Molly will engage Mitch more in thinking about what he is doing. Instead of “Stop” as he is heading out the door, she will say, “Mitch, where are you going?” “What are you going to do out there?” “What needs to get done before you can go out?”
What forms of SS (self-soothing) does Mitch need to learn?
If getting Mitch to think is hard, wait until you try to get him to stay engaged when things upset him. Teaching him to soothe himself will be a major preoccupation for Molly. We will see it constantly in action as she helps him stick with frustrating challenges and potential loses in everything from solving Sudoku with Grandpa, playing Wii golf with her, moderating the intensity of tickling, or doing math problems at the kitchen table. Molly may need to provide support for helping Mitch stay engaged through her encouragement (soothing). Gradually, we want that to develop into an ability to soothe himself. Self-soothing is far preferable to external sources of soothing such as alcohol, marijuana, video games, and sex. Have I listed everything that’s fun for a teenager? As we will see, there is a big difference between something engaged in because it is fun versus done because of an inability to soothe oneself.
In the end, we want Mitch to make A MESS of himself before he reaches adolescence. The boy we met earlier depended on his mother to wake him up, feed him, get him to the bus, remind him about homework, help him with homework, and coerce him to get to bed. Half way through adolescence, he was threatening teachers, bullying kids, smoking marijuana, and sexually exploiting girls. If that’s not a mess, I don’t know what is. During childhood, we want Mitch to learn to self-assess what he needs to master, engage in the process of gaining those skills to the point of self-reliance, and soothe himself as he tolerates the failures and frustrations entailed in sustained engagement.
Analyze Before You Move, Sailor
Since we’ve been talking about analyzing before acting, let’s see how Molly’s father, Mitch’s Grandpa, helped promote that notion. Mitch loved hanging out with Grandpa. And Molly’s father enjoyed Mitch as well, which is surprising given the fact that he had a reputation as a strict naval officer and the Mitch we met earlier cared very little for people in authority. Mitch respects Grandpa’s authority, not because he fears punishment, but because he knows Grandpa genuinely cares about him.
“Mitch, let’s play the next game (of checkers) a little differently,” Grandpa said.
“What do you mean? You start with half as many so I have a chance,” Mitch suggested.
“I don’t think I win because I have more pieces. I win because I think before I move,” Grandpa said.
“I think. I think, ‘What piece can I jump next?’ Then that’s the move I make,” Mitch said.
“But is there only one good move to make each turn,” Grandpa asked. “In football, the quarterback has to decide whether to run or pass, and who should get the ball.”
“Yeah, but checkers is pretty simple, Grandpa,” said Mitch.
“Ok, let’s go back to the moves we just made. Did you know I was going to make the move I did after yours,” Grandpa asked.
“I never know what you are going to do. That’s why I always lose, Grandpa,” Mitch said.
“I always try to guess your next move,” Grandpa said. “I will write down your next move on this paper and then you move.”
“Hey, how did you do that,” Mitch asked.
“I try to think ahead. I ask myself, ‘If I move here, what will Mitch do?’” Grandpa explained. “Then I look at a different move and ask myself the same question. That way, I pick the best move of all the possibilities.”
“Wow. That’s complicated,” Mitch said.
“Yeah. It seems like it. But once you start doing it, you find it becomes easier,” Grandpa said.
Mitch and Grandpa played several games where Grandpa stopped him and asked him to think of different moves and what he thought would happen next. Instead of being impatient, Mitch was intrigued. He liked the idea of learning Grandpa’s secrets to success.
“Ok, Grandpa. I am going to write down your next move,” Mitch said.
After Grandpa moved, Mitch produced a slip of paper with that very same move.
“Wow. How did you do that,” Grandpa gasped.
“Well, Grandpa. The truth is, I wrote down three different answers. So then I just picked the one you actually moved. Is that cheating,” Mitch asked, rather ashamed.
Grandpa let out a loud laugh. “Cheating? Why no, my boy. That is not cheating. That is strategy. You made a plan. Thought of the different possibilities. And you were ready for all of them,” Grandpa said, giving him a slap on the back. “You’ll make a good captain someday, Mitch.”
Mitch beamed. “Hey Mom. Come in here. I’ve got something to tell you,” he yelled.
ANALYSIS
As we saw in what has come before, Mitch was one big impulsive mistake after another. So helping him learn to analyze before acting should be a central goal for him if Molly gets a “do-over”. We know that Mitch often acted impulsively to avoid feelings of frustration or humiliation. He certainly wasn’t analyzing before acting when he threatened the student teacher in math class, but he was impulsively acting to avoid the threat of humiliation. As we learned in that case, greater competence in math (genuine self-esteem), better communication, and the ability to self-regulate his emotions would have been very helpful in that moment. But, as we saw, Mitch lacked all of those competencies.
His grandfather, through this simple game of checkers, is trying to teach him some of those competencies. As you might have guessed, he is trying to make A MESS of Mitch. He is quite attuned to what Mitch understands and needs to learn. In this case, he needs to master the art of (checkers) analysis (logical thinking). To do that, he needs to engage Mitch in a sustained examination of what each of them are thinking and doing during the game. Although Mitch tends to impulsively jump at the first solution he finds, he is not unlike many folks who do the same superficial level of analysis. Sustained thinking or analyzing can be challenging and taking the first solution offers a quick a plausible exit from that strain. Staying engaged with a process that is difficult and potentially frustrating requires self-soothing. Making a move offers instant relief.
Mitch’s wish to connect with his grandfather overrode his usual impulsivity. With Grandpa, he stayed engaged in the process of listening and learning. Wanting to be like Grandpa provided Mitch with the motivation to stay engaged and tolerate the challenge of analyzing multiple possibilities. Ultimately, for Mitch to analyze before acting, he needed to learn to make A MESS of himself.
Responsibilities vs. Chores
This version of Molly has learned something from her father. Let’s turn back the clock to see how this new Molly handles household chores in order to help Mitch develop competencies such as responsibility (RES) and genuine self-esteem (GSE). The teenage Mitch we met earlier would never willingly pitch in with helping around the house. He would resent having regular chores to do. For him, dependence was unidirectional; as was taking responsibility. But the beauty of Part 4 of this book is our opportunity to start over with Mitch.
Instead of “chores”, Mitch was asked at an early age to share “household responsibilities.” Every Saturday morning, Molly and Mitch take care of these responsibilities. As you will see in the vignette below, the five-year-old Mitch is eager to pitch in.
“Can I run the vacommer?” Mitch asked.
“Think you’re ready to run such a big machine?” Molly asked.
“No problem Mom. Watch. I’ll show you,” said Mitch as he reached for the upright vacuum.
“Can you figure out where to turn it on and off,” she asked.
“I know. I’ve been watching you, Mom,” Mitch said as he stomped his foot on the button.
Saturdays are not all work and no play, though. In fact, the other part of the Saturday tradition is that once all the responsibilities are taken care of, they head out to the fun activity that awaits them.
“Can we play the video games at the roller rink?” Mitch asked.
“Two games, as usual,” Molly responded. “And I want to play, too.”
“Aw, Mom,” Mitch said. “You always mess it up.”
“I’ll try my hardest. I promise,” Molly said.
ANALYSIS
Molly is careful not to call Mitch’s responsibilities chores and she labels them as responsibilities/tasks/jobs necessary for the family. She also conveys the message that she depends on him to be her helper and they do these tasks together. Perhaps when he is a teenager, Mitch will label them as chores and resent them, but for now, he is a proud member of a team – taking care of the house. The fact that these are responsibilities that they both work on every Saturday morning means that even when he becomes a teenager, he is less likely to resent them because it has always been part of the family culture that they all take care of these tasks, every Saturday as a family.
Ever since Mitch could understand the concept of Saturday, he has associated it with doing stuff with Mom and then going on an outing. It only occurred to him much later that it was part of her work first play later deal, but he rarely objected because it was usually fun doing both with his mom. When he got older and wanted to do things with friends or had a ball game, he still understood that right after breakfast, he and mom would tackle Saturday “responsibilities”.
As you can tell from the vignette above, Molly is willing to err on the side of “promoting the big boy helper” rather than, “this is how we do it right.” So she may well have to follow along later to get all the spots he missed while vacuuming, but his drive to be helpful and grown-up will make him a good worker. At the earliest age, Mitch wants to feel grown-up and needed. Soon, Molly will relinquish responsibilities to him (instead of delegating or assigning).
“You are becoming a very good vacuumer, Mitch,” Molly observed.
“Yeah. Grandpa said I was the commander of the vacomming department, just like on his ship,” Mitch said, reminding her of their summer with her parents.
“Great. Did Grandpa let you be in charge of anything else,” she wondered.
“I was in charge of watering (the garden),” he said proudly.
“Did you wind the hose up when you were done,” she asked.
“Grandpa said that if I wanted the watering job, I had to put the hose away when I was done,” Mitch recalled.
“Is there something at our house you want to be in charge of,” she wondered.
“What are my choices?” Mitch asked.
“What do you think are your specialties,” she probed.
“I’m good at taking the trash out to the street. I’m good at keeping the turlet paper in the bathrooms. I like to sweep. I don’t like to scrub sinks. I don’t like picking up dog poop.” Mitch clearly knew what he did and didn’t like.
“We don’t even have a dog, Mitch,” Molly laughed.
“I know, but I know I wouldn’t want to be in charge of that,” he said.
“I’ll make a note of that. So what might you want to be in charge of,” she asked.
“I’ll be like the hotel person. The one who gives you all the towels and soap and shampoo,” Mitch said.
“That’s an interesting job. So, what kinds of things would that be at home? Are you going to make my bed every day and put a mint on my pillow?”
“No. I’ll be in charge of making sure the bathrooms have all the stuff.”
“What stuff,” Molly asked.
“Soap, towels, turlet paper. You know. All the bathroom stuff,” he summarized.
“Okay. You are officially in charge of Bathroom Readiness. Do you know where to find soap and toilet paper and towels,” she asked.
“In the pantry by the garage,” Mitch said.
“And the towels,” she reminded him.
“In the limin closet in the hall,” he said.
“That’s right. In the linen closet. How often are you going to put out fresh towels,” she asked.
“Every day,” Mitch said.
“How about every Saturday,” she offered.
“Ok.”
“I now pronounce you, Head of Bathroom Readiness,” Molly announced.
“I now pronounce you, Head of Cooking Readiness,” Mitch answered.
“Hey. What if I don’t want that job,” she objected.
“You want me to cook, Mom,” Mitch smiled.
“Well, how about you start as my assistant,” Molly said.
“Ok. Just like the ‘Bam’ guy,” Mitch beamed.
ANALYSIS
Mitch is eager to be grown up and appreciated. Letting him have sole responsibility for parts of the household is a bit risky, but a great move if she can make it work. Kids need to have a sense of purpose. This is a small bit of that, but at his age, he feels really good about the fact that his mom trusts him to run that part of the household.
Can you imagine Molly asking the teenage version of Mitch we met earlier, “What new chores do you want?” At that age, Mitch already thought he was grown up and he didn’t want his mother telling him what to do. Regardless of whether we call them habits or responsibilities, the earlier they begin, the better. Putting on a seat belt, brushing your teeth, clearing your plate, cleaning the house on Saturday mornings – these routines are done without much thought (and conflict) when that has always been the routine.
Another important area of responsibility and emerging self-reliance was laundry. (Just a quick poll. How many of you still do the laundry for everyone in the house? Are you one of the “If I want it done right, I need to do it myself types?” Let’s analyze that.) Fortunately, the second time around, Molly analyzed the trade-off between perfection and relief and came down on the side of “let’s get this kid involved” with doing his own laundry.
Laundry
“Can I push the buttons,” Mitch asked.
“How are you going to reach them,” Molly replied.
“Give me a boost,” he said.
“Boost yourself,” she answered.
Mitch looked around, spotted the step stool, and dragged it over to the washing machine. “Fooled you, didn’t I,” he laughed.
“You sure did,” Molly chuckled.
“Can I put the soap in,” he asked.
“Do you know how much,” she cautioned.
“I fill this up, right,” Mitch said as he grabbed the measuring cup”.
“You only fill it half full.” “Do you know what would happen if you put in a whole cup,” Molly asked.
“No. What,” he answered.
“Well figure it out. What happens if you put too much soap in the machine,” she restated.
“Oh, I know. Like when you forgot you already filled the dishwasher with soap and …,” Mitch laughed.
“Yeah. Glad something useful came of that day,” Molly said.
“Yeah. I learned how to use a mop,” Mitch laughed. “If you are only s’posed to use half a cup, why not just have a smaller cup. Then we won’t goof up and put in too much soap,” Mitch suggested.
“What a brilliant idea, Mitch,” Molly said.
Mitch beamed.
“Go get the rest of the clothes on your floor and we’ll add them to this load,” Molly said.
Returning with an armload of clothes, Mitch said, “I found a few extras.”
“You sure did. You know, when you get old enough, you can do your own laundry,” she offered.
“I’m old enough. You saw me. I put in the clothes. I know where the soap goes. I pushed the button,” he argued.
“Yes you did. Tell you what. There are lots of buttons on this machine. Why don’t we do it together for awhile and when you have shown me you understand how to do all the buttons, then I’ll let you do it all by yourself,” Molly promised.
“Cool! Got any more clothes you want washed,” Mitch asked.
“You’re such a good helper. Do you think the machine can hold any more clothes,” she asked.
“I can get some more in,” Mitch claimed.
“I don’t fill the bin higher than the edge of the tub. Looks pretty full.”
“Yeah. We wouldn’t want clothes flying everywhere.”
“No we wouldn’t,” Molly laughed.
ANALYSIS
By the time Mitch is a teenager, Molly will be glad she started the “you can do your own laundry” plan. Instead of an angry, “Why didn’t you wash my jeans? You knew I had a party to go to,” she could empathize with a kid who was frustrated he hadn’t planned ahead. She could even offer him some tips on cleaning a spot and calling it, “Good to go.” As a youngster, Mitch was pleased to be allowed all that responsibility. As a teenager, that responsibility means that Mitch’s concerns about how he looks and whether his clothes are clean are his concerns. In other words, the conflict stays in the kid where it belongs, instead of being between parent and child. Given the dependence we saw between Mitch and his mother in the first half of the book, this transfer of responsibility looks like a great investment for the future. (See Parent Toolkit – Keep the conflict in the kid)
Molly will have to work side-by-side with him initially to make sure he learns how to use the washer and dryer. She found a great use for her Post-It Notes, marking reminders for each of the settings on the machines. As Mitch demonstrates increasing mastery of the process, she will need to provide less help until eventually he’ll fly the machines on his own. Every time she sees a picture of him at his wrinkly best, she immediately cringes and then catches herself and says something like, “Bet those other kids don’t do their own laundry.” Molly learned to live with wrinkles and waited for them to become Mitch’s concerns, not just hers.
This was an interesting application of making A MESS. Molly was (A) attuned to Mitch’s capabilities and developmental needs. So when an opportunity presents itself, like it did with Mitch’s eagerness to help, she is ready to make something constructive of it. This worked much better than waiting and assigning laundry as one of his chores when he was older. Although kids can and should take responsibility for their own laundry, Molly got on the right side of the motivation equation with this one through her attunement and recognition of the opportunity presented her. (RES) responsibility and (ID) internal discipline are high on our “much needed” list for Mitch, given what we saw in his future. Learning to master the process of doing his laundry was much easier at an age when being grown up and being like mom was high on his list. (E) Engagement and (SS) self-soothing were more easily accomplished because he was having fun doing laundry with mom. At this age, (GSE) genuine self-esteem can come in the form of being the proud operator of a washer and dryer – all by himself.
How was this version of Molly different from the overworked mother of the angry adolescent? Did you notice how Molly continuously asked Mitch to find answers to questions instead of just giving them to him? This was not just a wise strategy of keeping the process in the kid, it also involves Molly tolerating the urge to quickly fulfill a need or end some difficulty. Giving a kid an answer to his question takes less time and things can move along instead of waiting for him to figure it out. At other times, when a parent sees their child struggling or even suffering, immediate help ends the pain, anxiety or upset. So, for Molly to patiently wait for Mitch to find answers and solve problems, she needed to do a little self-soothing of her own. As parents, our fast thinking brains jump into action to rescue or relieve suffering. But that is not necessarily what promotes self-reliance in our children. When parents cannot tolerate the wait for the child to do important work, then they need to look at their own issues at work preventing it. (See Whose Issue Is It?)
A MESS at Bedtime
There are nonstop opportunities for MESS making. Remember how I mentioned before that bedtime was a prime opportunity? Let’s listen to Molly and Mitch as they negotiate making A MESS at bedtime.
As bedtime approaches, Mitch says, “I should get to stay up ‘til 8:30, Mom”.
“Why do you say that,” asks Molly.
“All of my friends get to stay up later. It’s not fair. I’m the same age as them,” Mitch argues.
“Yes you are. It must be frustrating to know your friends have later bedtimes,” empathizes Molly.
“I just said that, Mom. It isn’t fair.”
“What makes something fair,” his mom asks.
“Getting the same thing my friends get,” Mitch explains.
“Should I serve you sweet potatoes, like Jamie’s mom does? Would that be fair – to eat the same as Jamie,” Molly asks.
“You know that’s not what I mean. Be serious, Mom,” explains Mitch, impatient with his mother’s questions.
“It is bedtime. We can talk about this tomorrow if you want. What you need to do is show me you have earned a later bedtime.”
“Earn a bedtime?” Now Mitch really was frustrated. “What do you mean, earn a bedtime?”
“I am going to give you two things to think about so we can discuss a later bedtime: ‘Why do people have a set Time when they go to bed?’ and ‘When do we know that time can be changed’,” his mother asks.
“Kids have bedtimes because their mom’s make them,” explains Mitch, cutting right to the core.
“Yes, moms have a thing about bedtimes. But you need to think about why a set bedtime is important for a kid.”
“You’re giving me bedtime homework,” Mitch complains.
“You don’t have to do it,” Molly smiles.
“But if I don’t do it, you won’t talk about a later bedtime,” he sighed.
Molly just tapped the side of her nose with her forefinger, their signal for, ‘You got that right’.
ANALYSIS
Mitch’s request for a later bedtime is understandable and expected. The fact that it is no longer a fight is a pleasant relief. He has finally accepted that no amount of arguing or crying or tantrums will change the ‘bedtime-ends-at-8:00’ limit his mother has for him. Several times, when his crying kept his mother engaged past 8:00, she made bedtime earlier the next night saying, “If you can’t get settled down for bed by 8:00, then we need to make bedtime earlier.” Mitch didn’t know why, but he realized his mom meant it, because bedtime was always half-an-hour earlier the next night. He would say, “You can’t make me go to sleep.” And she would say, “No I can’t.” But when she left the room, he was all alone. No Mom. No Video Games. No television. Just, “You, yourself, and Mitch,” as his mom would say.
Did you notice how Molly did not simply cut off Mitch’s request with, “No” or “Because I said so” or “We aren’t like other kids’ houses”. She engaged him in a dialogue and encouraged him to think about his request. Instead of limits being something parents do to their kids, she is calling upon him to figure out why limits are needed and then what he can do to change them. In other words, she is putting the conflict back into the kid. He will need to figure out how he is going to prove to his mother that he deserves a later bedtime. Mitch is struggling with her use of the word, ‘earned’. He’ll have to think about that. And thinking is exactly what Molly wants Mitch to do more often. A big goal of hers is to help him learn to think about why people do what they do – especially him.
Let’s check in with their follow-up discussion.
“Mom. Because I’m doing good in school,” announces Mitch with a mouthful of cereal.
“You said, ‘because’. What do you mean ‘because’,” as if she didn’t already know.
“I deserve a later bedtime because I’m doing good in school.”
“I’m glad you are doing well in school, Mitch. What does that have to do with bedtime,” she asks.
Molly is not trying to be avoidant or passive aggressive or even a tease. She is asking Mitch to be clear in explaining himself. They both know she knows what he is talking about. But Mitch cannot rely on his mom to read his mind and know what he wants or needs. Molly wants him to be clear with her, just like he will need to be clear with other people, such as his teachers.
“You said I had to tell you why I deserve a later bedtime,” Mitch reminds her.
“Yes, I said you needed to explain how you can earn a later bedtime,” Molly reminds him.
“Yeah, whatever Mom. You know what I mean,” responds Mitch, impatient with his mom’s wordiness.
“The first thing I asked you to do was figure out why people need bedtimes, as I recall.”
“That one’s easy Mom. It’s so I don’t fall asleep in class like Lucas,” explains Mitch. “He gets to stay up real late, but he falls asleep in school.”
Once again, Molly taps the side of her nose and smiles. “So how do you know if you get enough sleep,” she asks him.
“I never fall asleep in school,” answers Mitch, proudly.
“Yeah. You haven’t had a nap in eight years.”
“Since I was two?”
“You owe me kid.”
“I what?”
“You owe me for all the free time mothers get while their kids nap, all the way up to age five or six.”
“Naps are for babies,” Mitch reminds her.
“Naps are for overworked mothers,” Molly replies.
“I don’t need naps and I don’t need an early bedtime,” Mitch reminds her of what they were talking about.
“I asked you how do you know if you get enough sleep and you said because you don’t fall asleep in school. How else do you know you get enough sleep,” Molly asks.
“Like I said, Mom. I don’t get sleepy during the day,” Mitch reminds her.
“That is a good reason.”
“So I get a later bedtime. Cool.”
“I didn’t agree to that. I just agreed to something you said.”
“Mom. You aren’t being fair.”
“Listen Mitch. If I have to come in your room multiple times to wake you up in the morning. If I have to nag you to get ready for school on time. If I have to drive you to school because you missed your bus. That doesn’t sound like a boy ready for a later bedtime. That sounds like a kid who needs more sleep and an earlier bedtime,” Molly spouts, losing a little of her helpful and tactful approach.
“That’s what moms are for,” grins Mitch.
“Tell you what Mitch. If you can get yourself up in the morning without my help, get ready for school without my nagging, and catch your bus without me having to take you, then you can have a later bedtime,” Molly lays it out.
“I can totally do that, Mom,” explains Mitch, getting excited.
“For two weeks, straight,” she adds.
“Mommmmm! That’s not fair,” whines Mitch.
“If I have to wake you up, then that may mean your body needs more sleep,” Molly explains, trying to be logical.
“Ok, ok. But why do I have to do all those things,” asks Mitch.
“If you are grown up enough for a later bedtime, then show me you are grown up enough to take care of stuff yourself instead of needing me to help you do it,” she explains.
“All of it? What if I am grown up about getting ready and getting on the bus, but still need you to wake me up,” Mitch wonders.
“What do you suggest,” she asks.
“Can I get a later bedtime for each thing I get right,” he asks.
“Tell me more.”
“If I don’t miss the bus for two weeks, can I have 10 minutes added to bedtime,” Mitch bargains.
“Yes. But if you do miss the bus, are you going to move bedtime 10 minutes earlier,” she asks.
“Mom. Be fair.”
“Meeting the bus on time deserves a later bedtime. Not meeting it on time deserves an earlier bedtime.”
“Ok, ok. If I miss the bus two times in a week, I go back 10 minutes,” Mitch says.
“If you miss the bus, you need to start a new two week run of getting it on time to get your later time back,” Molly explains.
“Whatever. I’m going to do it. I’ll show you.”
“How about the other stuff? Want to make a chart,” Molly asks.
“Sure. That will help me remember how much I have left to do,” Mitch agrees.
“Ok. We’ll have a chart with three parts: getting up on your own, getting ready without nagging, and meeting the bus on time,” Molly says.
“Great. Can you make that at work, Mom,” Mitch asks.
“Seriously?”
“Can you help me make it?”
“I would be glad to. After school today?”
“Before homework,” Mitch asks, hearing a deviation from the norm.
“Thanks for reminding me. Right after homework, we’ll do it,” his mom says.
“Promise?”
“Absolutely,” Molly says, as she reminds him not to miss his bus.
(Insert Chart Mitch and Molly create)
| Date | |||||||||||
| Gets up on his own | |||||||||||
| Gets ready for school on his own | X | X | X | X | X | X | |||||
| Catches the bus on his own | X | X | X | X | X | X | X | X |
ANALYSIS
Looks like Mitch is well on his way to getting 10 minutes added on to his bedtime, with some hopeful signs of more to come. What do you think of Molly’s approach to making A MESS? Did she help Mitch make A MESS of himself as well?
Molly created a dialogue with Mitch that engaged him in a process of growth. As you could tell, Mitch was still reliant on his mom to get him up in the morning and launch him. Mitch wanted to feel more grown-up by having a later bedtime. But he had not made the connection (in this case) that the privilege of a later bedtime came by virtue of being more self-reliant – more grown-up. Molly’s message was: You get treated like a grown up by acting like a grown up.
Mitch considered bedtime as an externally determined rule that changed with age and parental whim. By engaging him in this process, Molly showed him that he had internal control over bedtime by mastering (M) these aspects of self-reliance or internal discipline (ID). She created a sustained process of engagement (E) by asking him to analyze the purpose of bedtimes and what it took to get a later bedtime. She also helped create a sustained engagement process for him to work on developing more self-reliance in the morning. Getting him to analyze and understand the process will help him self-soothe (SS) and stay engaged over the coming weeks. From his initial request, Molly made it A MESS making process promoting internal discipline (ID), communication (COM) and logical thinking (LT).
Mitch’s (A) assessment that his mom was asking a lot of him all at once led to their division of the morning self-reliance into three discrete skills to master. Breaking formidable goals down into more doable parts is a valuable skill for Mitch to learn and apply. We are constantly doing this as parents and teachers, but when a child learns to do it for himself, then we have truly been successful. Although this change in bedtime may be a long and frustrating one for Mitch, it will represent a valuable piece of growth for him if he can continue to see it as something he can and should control, rather than a set of rules outside of his control.
This is a far different attitude from the one held by the raging teenage Mitch we met at the beginning of the book. He was angry at his mom for controlling him, never realizing that developing self-control was the magic formula for the freedom he wanted. Could have saved a lot of blood, sweat and tears – well maybe sore knuckles and tears.
The following is another example of how Molly linked work and play in a way that promoted motivation and sustained engagement. She also involved Mitch in shared household responsibilities. This version of Mitch has never known anything other than the fact that meals include cleanup, not just eating.
KP and Wii
Every night following dinner, Molly and Mitch share the task of cleaning up. They load the dishwasher and wash all the pots and pans, leaving the kitchen clean and ready for the next meal. Molly had college roommates who left rank dishes overflowing the sink and she swore, no kid of hers was going to grow up to be that kind of ‘dead-beat’.
“Let’s get this last pot done so we can finish our (Wii) match,” Molly said as she handed the frying pan to Mitch to wash in the sink.
“You wash, I’ll load (the dishwasher),” responded Mitch.
“Ok. My back could use a break,” she said.
“We each have our specialties, don’t we Mom,” laughed Mitch.
“Yep. You are the fastest dishwasher loader in the four-state-region,” she announced.
“And you are the best pot scrubber …”
“In the amateur women’s division,” Molly said as she proudly raised her dishwashing detergent above her head.
“Are there professional pot scrubbers, Mom,” Mitch wondered?
“Ask Grandpa. They have a special name in the Navy.”
ANALYSIS
Molly has Mitch willing to help, because as soon as they are done, they will retreat to the family room for some Tiger Woods Wii Golf. Mitch is too young to know that drivers can be used to hit more than just golf balls. Whatever is left of the hour after dinner once the dishes are done, Molly and Mitch spend on games – which more often than not involve the Wii.
Molly’s work first then play approach with Mitch is effective, because she seriously enjoys the play and can’t wait (for him) to get to it. Today they are resuming a round of golf on the 8th hole at Pebble Beach with Molly trailing by a stroke. They initially tried Wii Boxing, but neither of them could keep up that pace. By the time their hour was done, they were both sweaty and ready to collapse. It may have been a good way to tire out Mitch, but someone else was going to have to get in the ring with him. Not Molly.
Golf was a good game for both of them. Both were beginners, so they learned together. Mitch was determined to compete, wanting to beat his mother. Although she sometimes relented to a house championship, she quickly shifted his focus to helping him compete with himself. Striving to beat their previous best scores became their primary foci. Eventually, they even got into charting their scores for the various courses and the various levels of difficulty.
When Mitch asked Molly why she was so into helping him keep track of their scores, she said, “These are important skills to learn Mitch. They’ll help you win at Fantasy Football and Fantasy Baseball, and once a year, it will help you win the office pool for the NCAA Basketball Tournament.”
“You have a swimming pool at your office,” Mitch asked.
“An office pool is like a big game that everybody plays, where they try to pick which team will win the basketball tournament at the end of the year.”
“Oh, that’s easy. Just pick North Carolina,” said Mitch, matter-of-factly.
“You’ve been hanging out with Grandpa too much.”
Molly and Mitch both enjoyed their game time after dinner. Woven into that fun was a lot of learning. As with so much of Mitch’s day, Molly had linked work with play. KP then Wii. Mitch didn’t consider it onerous, at least not yet. KP was a responsibility he shared with his mom. It didn’t feel like a “chore.”
Even the Wii sports were learning processes. They had to become students of the game in order to improve and move to the next level, whether it was golf, racing, or tennis. They had to tolerate losses in order to learn. In fact, replaying their games was a good way to find what they needed to focus on. Recording their scores was a tangible way to monitor mastery and improvement. Mitch became quite accomplished at charting and graphing. Not once did Molly tell him that he was engaged with the M-word. Until one day Mitch said, “We did graphing in Math today and I was way ahead of everybody in class. It was just like our Wii board, Mom.”
“I guess you figured out the secret,” Molly said.
“What’s that,” asked Mitch, now curious.
“Sports stats are just the same as Math,” she said.
“That’s no secret, Mom.
“Oh.”
Golf was a good game for Mitch to attempt. It requires patience and planning and a great deal of practice. Even though it was virtual golf, it still required him to slow down, focus and think before acting.
As for the KP before play? Making A MESS by cleaning up a mess? How clever is that? (RES) Responsibility and (ID) internal discipline were certainly promoted in this vignette. Mastering the art of keeping a clean kitchen should be high on everyone’s list, but starting early and making it a fun activity with mom? Now that is just downright subversive. Mitch will definitely have issues with his roommates in college. He’ll also make some girlfriend very happy.
Doing a fun activity with mom is a great way to sustain engagement and promote self-soothing tolerance for the hard work or drudgery needed to clean up the kitchen some nights. Another valuable piece of the (E) engagement is the time limited space they have. They have an hour together to clean up and play. The constraints of the limited time provides motivation for full engagement in what needs to be done as well as motivation to soothe himself when he’d rather be elsewhere than standing over the sink. The “sooner I get this done, the sooner I get to play” becomes the mantra for engagement and self-soothing. And that is a big part of what (ID) is, right?
No matter how effectively Molly has framed the work activity, it is still work. Washing dishes, raking leaves, shoveling snow, or cleaning his room, these are all hard work. Any fast thinking kid will opt for the impulsive chance to avoid the drudgery, unless he has adequate motivation and has learned to tolerate the discomfort in order to stay engaged and finish the job. That requires the ability to self-soothe (emotional competence) that the teenage Mitch lacked. Not just Mitch. Neal was also the master of avoidance. In fact, without the development of internal discipline and resilience (emotional competence), most kids opt for the easy button of avoidance. I think this is what some people are now calling “grit”.
As you can see, Molly has taken the idea of yoking work and play and run with it. When we first encountered the two of them in Part 1, Mitch was banging on her door, cursing at her for not letting him have his “play”, even though he had not done his “work”. She is determined to get it right this time around, especially in the realm of (school) homework.
Homework and Video Games
Molly’s strategy of linking work and play within a limited time frame has been a good approach with Mitch. She applied it to bedtime, Saturday morning household responsibilities and cleaning up after dinner. Each of those portions of work ended with a fun activity with his mom. Molly was well aware that she was not always going to be the prize at the end of the race, nor did she want to be. But she did like the idea of “the sooner your work is done, the sooner you can play” as a motivator for Mitch. Having the end of (play) time set also helped him focus his attention and remain engaged. The tearful days when he dawdled and didn’t have enough time for the play at the end were good motivation for doing better the next day. And the days he just didn’t get his work done were days Molly had to trust that Mitch’s disappointment would serve as adequate motivation rather than her need to prompt and nag.
Mitch has many years of school ahead of him, and having his mother there to help with homework or reward him for its completion will not be a long-term option. Ideally, we would like Mitch to be self-motivated to do his homework. But let’s be realistic. We’re talking about Mitch. Until such time, if ever, Mitch needs a routine or process that helps him focus and want to do the work. With that in mind, Molly will go to the well again for structure and motivation.
She has created a set time frame within which Mitch can do his homework and play video games. Why video games? Until such time that girls and cars take their place, video games are the activity of choice for many boys Mitch’s age.
“Mitch. Are you watching the clock,” Molly asked.
“I’ve got plenty of time. I don’t have much homework,” Mitch answered.
“Connect to the (school) website, so we can look at your assignments,” Molly said.
“Don’t you trust me,” Mitch said.
“I trust in the Franklin School Blackboard,” Molly answered.
“Then why do I have to fill out that assignment notebook everyday,” Mitch complained.
“So you will develop a habit of keeping track of your ‘to-do’s’,” Molly said.
“My what’s,” asked Mitch.
“Keeping track of what you need to do and when,” his mom said. “I keep track of the things I need to do on my phone. Until you can afford a smart phone, you get to use a smart notebook.”
“But you are just going to check the assignments on line,” Mitch reminded her.
“Not forever. Some day you won’t need me checking on you,” Molly said.
“When is that day going to come,” Mitch wondered out loud.
“Whenever you want it to,” Molly answered.
“Well, how about today,” Mitch said.
“No, it will end because I have seen that you are writing down your homework assignments yourself and completing your homework yourself,” Molly told him.
“That’s a lot to ask, Mom,” said Mitch.
“You remember where you are in your (video) game and what you have to learn next to get better, don’t you,” Molly compared.
“That’s different, Mom,” Mitch said.
“Seems like same boy and same brain, to me,” Molly laughed. “Now get that webpage. You’re not going to have time for video games if we keep talking,” she reminded him.
ANALYSIS
A MESS starts with (A) attunement and more specifically, assessment. The teacher has assessed what the students need to learn. Mitch needs to know what he is supposed to be working on or mastering for that class. Until he is self-reliant (and reliable) Molly needs to know what the assessment and assignment are as well. It would be ideal if Mitch reliably wrote his assignments down and brought them home, but that is still a work in progress. By having Internet access to the assignments, her assessment of what Mitch needs to (M) master is not vulnerable to his inattention or avoidance.
Did you notice in the vignette above that a lot of potential conflict was avoided when Molly could just ask to see the school’s website? Molly and some other parents of kids who struggle with attention lobbied hard for the school to set up a website where parents could track assignments and student progress. Eventually one of the parents volunteered to set it up for them and gave a mini workshop on how to use it. While some of the teachers were enthusiastic users, others saw it as just one more burdensome task. When Molly encountered one of the reluctant ones, she usually found a face-to-face personal appeal convinced the teacher that in the long run, making use of the site saves everyone time and frustration.
The website not only provided Molly with up-to-date progress reports and current assignments, it also afforded Mitch the opportunity to be more successful with engaging the material and mastering it. Mitch needs to become self-reliant with his homework. Without this supportive structure, Mitch would be faced with the frustrating process of bringing home the assignments reliably. Even though he might try, inevitably he will have lapses and get farther behind, only adding to his frustration and wish to avoid. With the assignments accessible from home, Mitch has the best chance of engaging nightly with his homework and Molly knows what kind of support he needs. Molly also paid for an extra copy of his math book to keep at home, thus avoiding the inevitable impasses that come with books that can’t find their way home.
This is a long-winded explanation of how this small structural piece (on line access to homework) aided Mitch in his (E) engagement with work he needed to (M) master. That support also reduced potential frustration, and thus provided help with the (SS) self-soothing needed to engage with the work. Mitch needs to learn to self-soothe, but that will come as he becomes increasingly competent with his work. Besides, there is nothing wrong with him learning effective aids for organizing himself and remembering what he has to do next. That goes a long way in terms of self-soothing.
Let’s see what happens next.
“I see you just booted up your game,” Molly observed.
“Yeah. I’m all done with homework,” Mitch said, already sporting his gamer face.
“Show me the work, Mitch. You know the rule,” Molly said.
“You’re wasting my game time, Mom,” he complained.
“You still had twenty math problems to do, last time I checked,” Molly said. “And you had a Haiku to write for English.”
“Here’s the math. You can check it. But I hate poetry. I don’t know how to write Haiku’s,” Mitch complained.
“Do you know what a syllable is,” Molly asked.
“Sure. Syllables are parts of words. Like “baby” has two syllables,” he said.
“Tap your finger on the table five times,” Molly instructed.
“What?”
“If each tap is a syllable, you have the first line of a Haiku,” Molly explained.
“You lost me.”
“Haiku’s are poems that convey a thought or feeling in 10 or 17 syllables,” she explained. “They are often three lines of five, seven and five syllables.”
“Like: ‘I scream; you scream; we all scream for ice cream’, Mitch said, counting the syllables on his fingers as chanted.
“Write it down and take it to your teacher. See what she thinks,” Molly said.
“Or how about,
World of Warcraft awaits.
Boy stands ready.
How will he do tonight?
There. A Haiku with personal meaning,” Mitch laughed.
“You are short two syllables,” Molly said.
“Which two,” he asked.
“After math,” Molly answered.
“That’s three syllables, Mom. Can’t you count,” Mitch said?
“Speaking of counting. Come look at this math sheet of yours,” Molly pointed.
Until Mitch finds school self-rewarding or has sufficient motivation to follow through on his own, Molly will provide sufficient structure to keep him engaged. The math is more clear-cut, because there are correct answers to be had and work to be shown. But the Haiku is more subjective. Molly recognized Mitch was avoiding the English assignment because he did not understand it. Therefore, her approach for (E) engaging Mitch and helping (SS) self-soothe involved making the structure of the Haiku easy for him to understand and personally entertaining.
After she’d left Mitch to play on his own for a while, she returned.
“What level are you on in your game,” Molly asked?
“Eleven. I am almost ready to advance to black belt status,” Mitch said proudly.
“Cool. You worked hard to master those skills,” Molly said. “What is your secret?”
“ You know what helps,” Mitch said.
“No. What,” Molly asked?
“Going on line and watching other guys play the game on You Tube,” Mitch said. “I learned a whole bunch of neat stuff I didn’t know before. Is that considered cheating, Mom?”
“What do you think,” Molly asked?
“I think its kind of like watching Mariano Rivera pitch. Nobody would call it cheating to imitate him,” Mitch said.
“I agree. I think copying people who do something really well is a good way to learn new stuff,” Molly offered. “We all imitate people we think do it right. Grandpa thinks he’s Tiger Woods. Uncle Jack thinks he’s Roger Federer.”
“And you think you are Whats-her-name-Vonn, the skier, don’t you,” Mitch added.
“Twenty years and twenty pounds ago,” Molly laughed.
“So copying is okay,” Mitch asked?
“Yeah. Especially when something is new and hard,” Molly said.
“Like math,” Mitch asked?
“Especially Math,” she said. “That’s why they have books and teachers.”
“Do they have You Tube videos for math, Mom,” Mitch asked.
“Well let’s find out,” she said.
Molly and Mitch are about to find KhanAcademy.Org as a resource for instructional math videos. From now on, whenever they need to understand a new math concept, they have an immediate resource. Molly is validating Mitch’s self-discovered approach to learning. Copying, mimicking, or observing a model are all effective ways to learn something new. These are structural supports or part of the scaffolding of a ZPD approach. When Mitch is able to find these aids on his own for the gaming, he is demonstrating some self-reliance that we want for him in other areas, like school.
“Hey Mitch. Want to help me win a bet,” asked Molly.
“Who is the bet with,” Mitch wondered.
“How about I tell you at the end,” Molly said.
“What is the bet about,” he asked.
“I want to wait on that too,” Molly said.
“Mom. What’s with all the hush-hush,” Mitch asked.
“It’s not hush-hush. But if you know too much, it might influence the information you are going to give me,” she explained.
“Well, you certainly got me curious,” he said
“I want you to show me how to succeed at video gaming,” Molly said.
“Now I know something is wrong. You hate video games,” Mitch exclaimed.
“I don’t hate video games. I just hate it when video games interfere with other important stuff,” she qualified.
“Like life,” Mitch laughed.
“Well, for some of your friends? Yes, with life,” she agreed.
“And me,” he asked?
“You know how I feel. Everything in moderation,” Molly said.
“Ok. What do you want to know,” Mitch asked.
“Let’s go to the family room and boot up one of your favorite games,” she suggested.
“Sure. This will be interesting,” Mitch said, still curious about what his mother was up to.
ANALYSIS
What do you think Molly is up to? She was joining Mitch in his world and hoping to find pathways that would lead him to her world – or at least to worlds he had left undiscovered. She was frustrated with his lack of motivation for school and his dependence on her to stay organized and on task. He continued to struggle with math, despite the attention from his teacher.
As they sat together, Mitch explained how his video game was laid out in a format similar to many other games. There were three different modes of play: casual, challenging, and your worst nightmare. The game had a progression of levels, from one to twenty-three. After mastering the skills and accomplishing the tasks required of level one, you got to move on to level two, and so on. Games could be paused, restarted, and replayed. Mitch could also go online and view expert players successfully navigating each level while narrating their strategies. So he could see how expert players solved problems or challenges and then he could take on those challenges, with as many retries as necessary to learn the new skills. The pattern that emerged from listening to him was one of: viewing, practicing, learning from mistakes, and gradual mastering of skills.
“Darn. I lost the bet,” Molly moaned.
“What do you mean,” Mitch asked.
“Well, there is this guy at work who is a real gamer after hours,” she explained. He overheard me wishing that you didn’t have such a hard time with Math.”
“You talk about me at work,” Mitch asked.
“Only the good parts, dear,” Molly explained.
“I hardly think Math has anything to do with good parts,” he responded.
“Well, let me tell you about the bet,” she explained. “He knew you were really into video games. I think you guys like some of the same games. He said, ‘If Mitch can do well at video games, he can do well at Math. Learning to be good at each requires the same approach.’”
“And what did you say,” asked Mitch.
“I laughed at him and told him he was talking like a middle school boy,” Molly recalled.
“I bet he liked that, Mom. Way to go with that good manners thing,” Mitch laughed.
“Well, instead of getting mad, he just said, ‘I’ll bet you $20 you’ll find there is no difference between the process of learning math and learning video games.’ To which I said, ‘I’ll enjoy taking your money.’ And he said, ‘I’m going to buy some new additions to my gaming set-up with your money.’”
“So, you lost the bet,” Mitch asked.
“I’m afraid I did. I owe you an apology. Forgive me for all the bad things I have said about video games. They really do teach valuable study skills,” she admitted.
“Is this some kind of trick to get me to like Math,” Mitch asked.
“We’ll see. So far, I’m the only one who has been tricked,” Molly explained. “Looks to me like there are lots of similarities. Learning math is like getting to a higher level in your video game,” Molly said.
“Guess I better get back to my video game,” said Mitch.
“Not so fast, kid. I intend to get something for the $20 I spent on this hard won lesson,” his mom said.
ANALYSIS
Molly’s willingness to listen, both to her colleague at work as well as to Mitch has opened up some real possibilities for her to connect with Mitch and help him with his math. Up until that point, the motivation to learn math resided more in Molly than in Mitch. His motivation was to avoid something frustrating. Yet he was motivated to advance within the gaming space, despite all the losses necessary to learning and getting better. That piece of insight was invaluable to Molly and now she had an opening for bridging the gap between Mitch’s world and the world in which she knew he needed to become more competent.
Video games elegantly capture the best of a ZPD approach. What needs to be mastered is clear. The player is engaged at the next challenging level which is possible to learn but not overwhelming. And there is support available for learning. Just as Mitch knows he can find a You Tube demonstration of a new gaming skill, Molly knows they can find a KahnAcademy.org video explaining a new math concept. Kids learn from their mistakes playing video games. Analyzing your mistakes is the best way to learn math.
Molly’s next task is to figure out how to motivate Mitch to learn math. Remember the magic formula:
Motivation = (I want) x (I can)
At this point, it looks more like (Molly wants) rather than (Mitch wants). But she has done well with her new insight in making a dent in the (I can) part of the formula.
Have you noticed the core competencies that Molly is helping Mitch develop early – ones that were sorely lacking in Part 1? Within the video gaming world, Mitch was making good progress with internal discipline and emotional competence. He sustained his efforts, despite defeats, failures and setbacks. He licked his wounds, learned from his mistakes, and reengaged. Part of what allowed for his reengagement and success was his curiosity for learning better methods. He even employed logical thinking. If video games were the coin of the realm and defined competence, Mitch would be considered a very good student. Once Molly realized that, all she had to do was help him transfer those competencies to the real world. After she got over her video gaming bias, she felt better about Mitch’s ability to succeed in school. Now, where to find that missing variable (I want) in the motivation equation.
Molly’s family always had a dog as long as she could remember. She loved dogs, especially people dogs like golden retrievers and black labs. But like children, they required work. And as an almost single mother, she didn’t need another kid to take care of. But after each visit to her parents’ house, she had to fend off Mitch’s pleas for a dog like Grandpa has. Finally, after a long stretch of “proving how responsible he was,” she caved. They quickly named their golden retriever Laces, because he loved to tug on their shoelaces.
Dog T(h)reats
The whining was barely audible, but hard to ignore. Mitch was doing his best however, to ignore it. Laces was patient, but this was a little unreasonable as far as he was concerned. He knew Mitch had heard him. They had been down this road before. Finally, he moved over to the bed, stuck his nose under Mitch’s elbow and gave it a gentle flip, which meant, “Time to get up and feed me”.
“Go away, Laces,” Mitch moaned.
Another flip of the elbow.
“Go find Mommy.”
Another flip, followed by some whining.
“It’s too early. Lie down,” Mitch pleaded without opening his eyes. He knew better than to look Laces in the eye. He would cave in no time if he saw those sad eyes.
For some reason, Laces knew he needed to persist with Mitch. Did he know that it was Mitch’s job to walk him and feed him every morning? Obviously. But why didn’t he give Molly the same treatment. Apparently the two of them had some deal worked out whereby they both agreed Mitch was the designated doer. Three cheers for Dog Whisperer Molly. Or three cheers for Laces for being a good team player. Eventually Mitch would cave and Laces knew it. Once he got Mitch out the door, he knew they would have some fun. If Molly walked him in the morning it was always a quick, do-your-business-walk. If Mitch walked him, it usually involved chasing the ball and a frequent relaxing of the leash law. Laces was a dog, but he wasn’t stupid.
Mitch had lobbied hard for getting a dog. Molly made him prove his readiness with all sorts of tests of taking responsibility. Watering the plants, feeding the fish, and cleaning the birdcage. He did them all and came through with flying colors, as long as you hold mother occasional “back-to-the-pet-store-threats” against him. The final test was a successful three-week dog-sitting gig he did for Grandpa while he was in Europe. After that, she was out of excuses for holding off on the dog idea. Despite the rough spots, Laces was good for Mitch. He was a serious participant in puppy obedience school. He willingly returned for a second try after Laces flunked his first class. Too much Play, not enough Stay. But he was a Golden Retriever. What do you expect? Every person and dog is a potential play partner. It was interesting to see Mitch master the art of getting and holding Laces’ attention. Anyone who has owned a golden knows that ADHD is not just a diagnosis for kids.
One day, Mitch had quite enough of the “He’s your dog” responsibility, guilt trip. Rather than stop to take care of Laces, he headed out the door to play basketball with friends, leaving the job for Molly. When he got home, he didn’t get a scolding or a grounding or a threat. What he got was this:
“Mitch, come in the living room,” Molly said.
“What do you want, Mom,” he asked.
“Sit down right here. I want you to tell Laces, face-to-face, why you thought going out to play with your friends was more important than walking and feeding him,” she said.
“Mom,” he whined. “This is dumb.”
“Don’t talk to me. Talk to Laces. He’s the one who got cheated out of a meal and a walk.”
“He didn’t get fed? Or walked? Mom, how could you,” Mitch complained.
In her best dog voice, Molly said, “I didn’t get fed. I didn’t get walked. Mitch, how could you?”
“You’re just trying to make me feel guilty,” he complained.
“How is it working,” she answered, in her own voice, gently turning his chin to face his dog again.
Laces was doing a good job looking the part of the aggrieved victim. Neither he nor Molly let on that he had a quick trip out back to pee, so he could hang in there for this session. But he did have a hungry face and let Mitch know it.
“I’m sorry Laces. That wasn’t fair. Next time I’ll let you play basketball with us,” Mitch said.
“I think Laces will accept that as an apology as long as it is followed with some food,” she said.
“Come on boy. I’ll feed you. Did that mean old Mommy not give you any food,” Mitch said as he headed for the pantry.
Laces followed, close on his heels, recognizing the direction he was headed and the word “food”.
ANALYSIS
Despite the occasional glitches, Mitch was doing a pretty good job as a dog owner. Not bad for a kid his age, and a huge improvement over the teenage version of irresponsibility we met earlier in the book. It took a lot of willpower on Molly’s part and Laces, to hold out for Mitch’s return to have this gentle confrontation (aka guilt trip). It was a bit of a test. The older version of Molly would have fed and walked Laces and resented Mitch for the added burden. The 2.0 version of Molly tolerated the urgency to relieve Laces’ burden and erase Mitch’s negligence. She wisely drew the line at peeing in the house. She and Laces knew each other’s limits.
On the whole, Laces and Molly were doing a pretty good job of promoting the development of responsibility (RES) in Mitch. The guilt trip talk Laces just had with him was also a little lesson in moral integrity (MI) as well. He shared with his owner the consequences of his decisions and pulled for a little empathy (EMP) from Mitch. Golden retriever eyes can do that. Interestingly, golden retrievers are also good at responding to people’s sadness and upset. So this was not the only time Laces gave Mitch a little paws on lesson in empathy (EMP). After Mitch was gone, Molly slipped Laces a treat and said, “Sorry about that Big Guy.” To which he responded with a “All is forgiven” (especially when there is a treat in it for me) tail wag.
Allowance
Once Molly began incorporating the idea of starting early with developmental competencies and using the Make A MESS approach for promoting them, she recognized opportunities everywhere, not just ones she created. The following is a good example where she used Mitch’s desire to buy a jersey as an opportunity to promote logical thinking, emotional competence, and internal discipline. Watch how she creates a space for sustained engagement, keeps the conflict in him and helps him self-soothe as he struggles to find a solution that is not immediate.
“You are $4 short, son,” explains the cashier at the Nearly New Sports Store.
Mitch looks again through his wallet as if some money had magically appeared since he emptied it three minutes ago.
“I need four dollars, Mom,” Mitch pleads.
“Looks like it,” his mom answers.
“Can you give me four dollars? I promise to pay you back,” Mitch asks.
“You’ll get your allowance next Saturday. And the jobs-for-pay list is on the frig,” Molly explains.
“Can’t you give me my allowance early? It’s only five days,” Mitch pleads.
“Sorry Mitch. You know the rule. No loans,” Molly explains.
“But the jersey will be gone by Saturday. Why can’t we do it different for once,” he whines.
“I know how much you want that jersey. I can tell it’s really cool. Is it a good price too,” Molly wondered.
“Yeah. So why can’t you get it and hold it until I can buy it from you on Saturday,” Mitch bargains.
“That is a very clever idea. But no.”
“Even if I pay you an extra dollar for doing it,” he adds.
“You are quite the wheeler-dealer,” Molly observes.
“You want to buy Sjmba,” Mitch proposes.
“What? Simba is one of your favorite (stuffed) animals,” Molly reminds him.
“Yeah. That’s how much I want this jersey.”
“Sorry Mitch. No deal.”
“Can I call Uncle Jack and sell him Simba,” Mitch asks.
“I guess, when you get home, you can call him and see if he’s interested,” Molly agrees.
“Why do I have to wait ‘til I get home,” Mitch pleads.
“Well, because if you make that deal, you still have to get the money from Uncle Jack,” Molly explains.
“You are making this very difficult for me, Mom,” Mitch complains.
“I am not trying to make it hard. I know you want this jersey, but you didn’t come with enough money. So you’re going to figure out how to handle it,” Molly explains.
“I have figured it out. I gave you lots of ideas,” he reminds her.
“But those ideas all have someone else helping you buy something you don’t have enough money to buy,” Molly says.
While they are talking, the cashier hangs the jersey on the rack behind her and signals to the next customer to come forward.
“Mom. How about we own the jersey together? You can wear it Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and I can wear it the other days. How about it? You would look good in it,” Mitch gives her his best last pitch.
“That’s tempting. So I could wear Mariano Rivera’s jersey to the office three-days-a-week,” Molly responds. “That is one of your most creative ideas yet, Mitch. You really are going to be a success in business when you grow up.”
“Why do I have to wait to grow up to be a success,” he asks.
“Good point,” Molly says.
“A point worth four dollars,” he smiles.
“You are running out of steam, kid. Let’s go get lunch,” Molly says.
“How much are we going to spend on lunch, Mom,” he asks.
“Lunch is my expense. The jersey is yours,” Molly cuts this idea off at its knees.
“Wait a second Mom,” Mitch says.
“Why, aren’t you hungry,” she says.
But he is already gone. Mitch catches sight of the storeowner and runs up to him saying, “Can you hold onto Mariano Rivera ‘til next week?”
“I doubt the Yankees are going to trade him any time soon, son,” the manager says.
“No, I mean your jersey. Can you hold that jersey ‘til next week? I promise I’ll come in and buy it,” Mitch says.
“For an honest looking guy like you, sure,” the manager says.
“How do you know I’m honest,” Mitch asks.
“Good point. Make sure you bring your money,” the man says.
“I will. Don’t sell it ‘til I come in,” Mitch reminds him.
“I won’t. I’ll put him in the back; in the bull pen.”
Mitch beams as he looks over at his mom. Molly smiles and tugs at her ear.
“Oh yeah. I almost forgot. Thanks a lot Mister!”
ANALYSIS
What do you think? Is Molly being too hard on him? As soon as Mitch could count he started getting an allowance. This little exchange may be a sign that Mitch is ready for his allowance to include money for clothing. That will be a big leap for him, because he is still struggling to make it week-to-week with the money he has for snacks and entertainment. He’ll have to learn to budget and save if he wants something like the jersey. (See Parent Toolkit – Clothing Allowance)
An allowance follows on the same theme of needing to work within set limits. Before, our discussion of limits involved time. Now it is money. So far, Mitch has done surprisingly well, but by Thursday he is usually broke. Mitch may well have the money he needs for the jersey by next week, but then he won’t have any spending money for another week. I doubt he’s thought of that, which will be another hard lesson for him. Molly will remind him before they head for the sports store, but she’ll leave it to him to figure it out and deal with the consequences.
Did you notice how Molly consistently left the conflict in Mitch? Instead of rescuing him or telling him why he couldn’t do something, she simply left the conflict created by the limited resources do the work of forcing reasoning and planning (in him). Within these clear rules and limits, Molly can be encouraging and sympathetic, but not indulgent or rejecting. She can share his enthusiasm for the jersey, but let him figure out how to make it happen – without her help.
Molly is well (A) aware of where Mitch stands developmentally and what he needs to work on. Did you see some of the (M) mastery work taking place? That was possible because of the (E) engagement that her allowance plan created. Mitch had freedom or control over his limited amount of money, but understood that was all he got. Consequently, he had to stay engaged with finding a solution to his problem instead of having it quickly ended with cash from Mom or a tearful, “No. Quit begging!” He had to (SS) tolerate a lot of frustration during this process, and her support and encouragement to stay engaged with the problem helped him do that. She validated the wish or longing, but didn’t just gratify it. She helped him translate those feelings into motivation to find a solution.
So, did you recognize the developmental competencies under construction? In addition to this (EC) emotional competence work just mentioned, Mitch put a lot of effort into (COM) communicating with Molly. By engaging him, she interrupted his impulsivity and forced him to muster some (ID) internal discipline to get him from fast thinking “jersey-lust” to a slow thinking solution. Consequently, she forced him to do his fair share of (LT) logical thinking about finding a solution to his dilemma.
Homework Caper
It’s a good thing that Mitch is practicing his math skills when it comes to allowance, but he’s having a harder time with math in school.
“Mitch. I got a call from your teacher. She says she can’t figure out how you can get 100% correct on your homework problems, but not be able to do the same problems on the test. Got any idea?” Molly asked.
“I don’t know Mom. Maybe I just get nervous,” Mitch answered.
“I’ve never heard you talk about getting nervous for tests or ball games,” she said.
“I don’t know, Mom,” he said again.
“Well, I’ve been noticing that you have been getting your math done very quickly and all by yourself lately,” Molly observed.
“Yeah. I think I am getting the hang of it,” Mitch said.
“That’s cool. I’m happy to hear that. Why don’t we get your assignment for tomorrow out and you can show me how well you are doing on your own,” Molly said.
“Oh, Mom. I’d rather do it myself. I don’t need your help,” Mitch explained.
“That’s okay. I’d kind of like to get caught up myself. I haven’t been reading your math book every day like I used to. I think I’m falling behind,” Molly explained.
“You can look at my book, Mom. Want me to get it for you?” Mitch asked.
“Yeah. Go get your book, your homework and some paper and pencil and meet me at the kitchen table,” Molly said.
After reminding him twice to get to the table, Mitch reluctantly set out his work and twenty minutes later it was clear that he didn’t have a clue how to do the work. Molly turned back to the previous chapter and asked him to do a couple of problems. He couldn’t do those either.
“Mitch. What’s going on? You look like you have never seen this work before,” Molly observed.
“Well, actually …
Aware that he had been found out, Mitch pulled the book from his backpack and showed it to his mother. It was a copy of the teacher’s edition of his textbook, complete with solutions to all the homework problems.
“So you have just been copying these problems out of the book instead of really doing the work?” she exclaimed.
“Yeah. Are you mad at me?” Mitch asked.
“Am I mad? No, I’m furious. How could you, Mitch? Go to your room and wait for me to cool down, so I can talk to you. And no electronics. Do you hear me?” she said, barely containing her frustration.
ANALYSIS
So much for the elegant “work then play” solution; she had been played. If she didn’t watch, would he slip the dirty dishes into the cupboard and call them clean? What else was this kid up to? Oh, she could just wring his neck.
After half an hour of pacing and pounding, Molly sat down and asked herself, “Why would he do this?” She decided she needed to know the answer to this before she went upstairs and lowered the boom. Her first thought was to end the Wii playing. Maybe turn off the Internet? Cancel the cable subscription. That would show him. Then again, who would suffer with those changes? She was addicted to NCIS and online window-shopping, just like the rest of the world. Disconnecting from cable and the Internet might be a little extreme. She knew; she would change the passwords and lock him out of everything electronic for a month. That would teach him a lesson. But why did he do it? She needed to figure that out. Now that she was calm enough, she headed upstairs to confront the criminal himself.
“Mitch. What were you thinking?” Molly asked, not exactly off to the gentlest of interrogations.
“I guess I didn’t think, Mom,” Mitch said.
“I thought I could trust you,” she said.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
As she began to soften a little, she said, “Why don’t you tell me why you used that book (to copy your homework) instead of doing the problems yourself,” Molly said.
“I don’t know. I noticed that the same book the teacher used to grade our homework was sitting on the shelf in the back of the classroom,” Mitch explained.
“Go on,” Molly said, instead of saying, “Don’t you know that was cheating. They would have kicked you out of college and it would have ruined your life, dang it, Mitch.”
“Well. I knew I wasn’t supposed to use the book, but it made everything so easy, Mom. It was hard doing that work every night and lots of time we didn’t get done in time to do the fun stuff at the end. That didn’t seem fair. I really like doing stuff with you, but I don’t like (struggling with) math,” Mitch explained.
“I’m very disappointed,” Molly said.
“I know you are. I shouldn’t have done it. Don’t tell Grandpa, okay?” Mitch pleaded.
“Why should I not tell Grandpa?” she asked, curious that Grandpa knowing would be his biggest concern.
“I don’t want Grandpa to think I can’t be trusted,” Mitch said.
“I’ll make you a deal Mitch. I won’t tell Grandpa if you get all caught up in math by a month from now,” Molly suggested.
“Oooh. That will be hard to do,” Mitch explained.
“Yeah. I know it will. You skipped a lot of hard work and there is a lot of math you don’t understand yet because you took the easy way out,” she explained.
“Okay. You promise not to tell Grandpa and I’ll get caught up. We can skip the Wii after dinner for the month,” Mitch suggested.
“I’m not in trouble. I’m not giving up the Wii for a month. You can do math while I do the Wii after dinner,” Molly said. “I’ll help you with your math in between holes (on the Wii Golf course).”
“Okay. A month is a long time,” Mitch said.
“Yeah. You used the book to avoid all the hard work. I know it is frustrating. But you hang in there with other stuff that is hard and sometimes frustrating. I know you’ll be able to do this too,” Molly said.
“I’m sorry, Mom,” Mitch said.
“Sorry you did it or sorry you got caught,” she asked.
“Well both. But I told you about it,” Mitch reminded her.
“Yes you did. That was very responsible of you,” Molly said. “So you didn’t want to miss out on our fun time together?”
“Yeah. The math was taking too long,” Mitch said.
“Math can be very frustrating, especially if you are way behind and feel lost,” she empathized.
“Tell me about it,” Mitch agreed.
“Which do you like better, playing ball games on Saturday or practicing during the week,” Molly asked.
“That’s a silly question. Saturday games, of course,” Mitch said.
“Why don’t you like the practices during the week,” Molly asked.
“I don’t hate them, but they are sometimes hard. I have to do things over and over until I get them right,” Mitch explained.
“So what would happen if you guys just skipped the weekday practices,” she wondered.
“We wouldn’t get better and we’d lose a lot on Saturdays,” Mitch explained.
“You know math homework during the week is kind of like weekday practices,” Molly began.
“And the tests are like the Saturday fun,” Mitch asked, coopting her analogy.
“Well, maybe my example was a poor one, but you get the point. If you come up to bat on Saturday, without practicing during the week, you won’t have a good game. If you don’t figure out how to work the problems on the homework you won’t be able to do them on the test,” she explained.
“Yeah, but it still takes a long time and we don’t have enough time to play Wii,” Mitch reminded her.
“That’s a problem. Got any ideas,” she asked.
“I used up my best idea,” Mitch said.
“You mean your purloined book,” she asked.
“My pork-loin book,” Mitch asked.
“Ha. Let me ask you this. Are you wanting more Wii time or more fun time with me,” Molly asked.
“Well, both,” Mitch said.
“How can you figure out making both of those happen,” she wondered.
“Guess I could play the Wii instead of video games if I wanted,” Mitch suggested.
“That’s a good idea. And the fun time with me,” she asked.
“We could rip pages out of my math book and make Orgummy animals. That would be fun,” he said.
“I have an idea. If we are working hard and math is taking a long time, we’ll take a break after an hour for ten minutes of Wii,” Molly suggested.
“I have an idea too, Mom,” Mitch suggested.
“Well, baseball practice is hard, but it’s usually fun. We could make the math homework we do together more fun,” Mitch suggested.
“Wow. That’s a great idea,” Molly said. “No reason why math can’t be fun.”
ANALYSIS
Did she get her pound of flesh? Maybe not, but she got something better. She got a boy who now understands what he did wrong and why and feels bad about it. He cares. He also cares because he knows that the two most important adults in his life care. That is the basis for developing moral integrity (MI), something in rather short supply with the Mitch in Part 1. Notice that instead of going straight to the big R in the behavior-response chain, she took the time to do an IEBR analysis with the interview of Mitch? In the end, she came up with a much more effective response than the punishments she was ready to dish out in the heat of first hearing. Did he deserve to be punished? Academic dishonesty is not a small matter and he needed to learn that early in life before it came back to bite him hard as an adult when the consequences could be quite severe. But punishing him in the way she first intended would have satisfied a need in her to mete out something deserved, but it would have not done anything for Mitch, other than give him the message that he screwed up, got caught and had to pay a stiff price for … getting caught? … or The trouble with punishment in the form she originally intended is that it is an externally mediated process. It feels to Mitch like it is something done to him from an outside authority because he crossed some outside rule or law. And if the penalty is sufficiently harsh, he can focus more on how unfair the punishment is instead of the remorse he should feel for what he did. By taking the route she did, Molly got to why he felt he needed to take the (illegal) short cut; helped him understand why; and then put the conflict back in him. He understood it was wrong, that he had disappointed his mom, and that he desperately didn’t want to disappoint his grandfather. After that process, he was highly motivated to make restitution, by doing “hard labor.” The consequence was logical – he had to make up the work he tried to skip. At the end of his sentence, would he be reformed? Who knows? But he’d be caught up in math!
Did you notice the IEBR approach applied by Molly? She was initially angry, ready to dish out harsh punishment for cheating. But after she cooled down, she realized she needed to find out what motivated Mitch to take this academic short cut. In the end she concluded that the discussion (and her disappointment in him) are usually more powerful consequences than dishing out punishment. Is withholding the Wii until he really did the work a punishment or a request to honor their previous contract – Wii when work is (really) done?
Before Analyzing After Analyzing
| Issue | Did not understand the math concepts. Inability to complete his work in time for fun activities. Missing fun time with his mom. | |
| Emotion | Frustration. Sadness. | |
| Behavior | Copying answers from teacher’s edition. | Copying answers from teacher’s edition. |
| Response | Punish him for cheating. | Ask him to analyze the reasons for his behavior. Reward for effort. Make the process more enjoyable. |
Sudoku with Grandpa
Although the teenage Mitch frequently clashed with adults, especially coaches, the young Mitch craved the attention of adult males. His father was frequently at sea, so most of the time it was just Mitch and his mother. Unless, of course, they went to visit Molly’s parents and Mitch got to hang out with Grandpa. Mitch followed Grandpa around like a loyal golden retriever.
Grandpa was spry enough to enjoy playing ball with Mitch, but he was not one to be rushed. Every morning started with hot coffee, dry toast, a poached egg and his puzzles. Grandpa never left the breakfast table until he had finished his puzzle, whether it was a crossword, Sudoku, word jumble or cypher.
Mitch would try to hurry him along, “Come on Grandpa. The fish will all be gone before we … It will be too hot by the time we … It will be time for lunch before we …” Despite his best arguments, he could never get Grandpa out of his chair before his puzzle was complete.
Finally one day, Grandpa said to Mitch, “If you are in such a hurry, then help me finish this puzzle.”
“I can’t do that, Grandpa. Those puzzles are for grown-ups,” said Mitch.
“Who told you that? They are for anyone who wants to learn,” Grandpa explained.
Lately, Sudoku seemed to be what Grandpa was tackling during Mitch’s visits.
“Want me to show you how to help?”
“Sure. If it will get you going faster,” said Mitch.
“Pull up a chair and grab a pencil,” Grandpa said.
Grandpa loved his puzzles, but he was also a sly old fox. He had been waiting for just this opportunity to introduce Mitch to the world of puzzles (and of analyzing before acting).
“Do you see how this big box is divided into nine smaller boxes? Inside each small box, you need to use all the numbers between 1 and 9 – only once. Do you see these rows that go from one side to the other … columns from top to bottom …,” Grandpa began.
ANALYSIS
I trust you all know the rules of Sudoku. If not, you can quickly find the rules online. As you know, Sudoku is a puzzle involving placement of numbers that can be solved with trial and error, but ultimately requires applying strategies or logic. You quickly learn that if you deviate from the strategy and enter a number based on a guess, you eventually end up regretting it and do a lot of erasing. Being patient and systematic is the only way to be successful at Sudoku. Puzzles are generally rated 1-5 in their difficulty, with the hardest ones requiring an understanding of more sophisticated (deductive reasoning) strategies unnecessary for solving the simpler puzzles. In other words, being impatient, impulsive and disorganized does not lead to success in the Sudoku world. What better (or worse) place could we pick for Mitch?
In his efforts to dislodge his grandfather, Mitch willingly dug in. At the beginning, Grandpa showed him how to do it, step-by-step. The better Mitch got, the less Grandpa needed to be involved. Eventually, they came to an agreement that if Mitch finished his own puzzle first, then Grandpa had ten minutes to finish his or he just had to get up and hit the road. Grandpa groused about the rule and feigned resistance, but he knew exactly what he was doing with Mitch – he was teaching him (LT) logical thinking and (ID) internal discipline from the moment he woke up in the morning.
“Why do you do all these puzzles Grandpa,” asked Mitch.
“Because it keeps my old brain from getting smaller,” Grandpa explained.
“Will it make my brain get bigger,” Mitch asked.
“Absolutely.”
After Mitch had stepped out of the room, Molly turned to Grandpa and said, “Thank you for not saying, ‘Use it or lose it’ Dad.”
ANALYSIS
Grandpa knew how to make A MESS of Mitch. He recognized that Mitch needed to learn how to attack problems systematically and logically, and stay engaged until they were solved. But this was not a ploy created to teach Mitch. Rather, it was an invitation for Mitch to join Grandpa in his world. Grandpa was logical and systematic in all areas of his life; so working a puzzle at breakfast was not surprising – similar to others who go for a morning run. He liked getting the neurons firing. He was also as competitive as anyone, hence the need to finish the puzzle before leaving the table.
Mitch hadn’t lingered over breakfast since he found the release for the high chair safety belt. But time with Grandpa was a powerful draw. That valued (REL) relationship motivated Mitch to (SS) soothe himself when facing the challenges of Grandpa’s Sudoku puzzles, allowing him to stay (E) engaged until he had (M) mastered them. Grandpa knew that Mitch needed work on (ID) internal discipline, (LT) logical thinking, and (EC) emotional competence. But he did not talk in those terms. He was more likely to say something like, “Puzzles are like push-ups for the brain” and “Don’t start what you can’t finish”. Grandpa was a retired naval officer and he and his life was still ship shape. Grandpa didn’t talk in terms of genuine self-esteem (GSE), but he sure knew what it consisted of, meeting challenges and gaining competence.
Molly was the one who suggested introducing Mitch to the puzzles. She knew Mitch struggled with being patient and systematic with his homework and even his sports. She liked to find opportunities for him to develop these qualities. She even taught herself enough about baseball to ask him about the decisions he made (or didn’t make) during his games. Getting Mitch to think and plan were important developmental goals she recognized he needed, so whenever possible, she called on him to linger long enough to think, even if it was after the fact.
After a summer with Grandpa at the lake, Mitch was on board with Sudoku. One morning, out of the blue, he said to Molly, “I’m a Tuesday”.
“Excuse me,” she asked, puzzled.
“I can do the Monday and Tuesday Sudoku’s. That makes me a ‘Tuesday’”.
“Is that what Grandpa called you?”
“Yep. By next summer I’m going to be a ‘Wednesday’,” Mitch predicted.
“Well here is today’s puzzle and it’s a Wednesday. Maybe you and I together have a Wednesday brain,” she laughed.
“I’ve got a Sunday brain when I’m teamed up with Grandpa,” Mitch said.
“Yeah. You and I have some catching up to do, don’t we,” Molly observed.
“Don’t worry, Mom. Your brain can still grow. Grandpa said so.”
“Well that’s a relief,” Molly sighed.
ANALYSIS
Sudoku is a great game for developing patience and logic. Solving a Sudoku is not unlike finding common factors in Algebra, balancing an equation in Chemistry, or deciding what pitch to throw in baseball. Grandpa served as great motivation to stay engaged, despite the challenge. But as you can see, competence and success eventually became their own rewards. Mitch was doing Sudoku’s on his own, even without the immediate let’s-get-Grandpa-moving incentive. Mitch was making A MESS of himself when he continued to solve Sudoku puzzles on his own and willingly set higher expectations for himself by taking on harder puzzles.
Grandpa delivered a valuable growth mindset message when he told Mitch his brain could grow by virtue of exercise, regardless of age. The teenage Mitch we met earlier was very much a fixed mindset guy, who thought you were born with natural abilities or you weren’t. That attitude led him to think he didn’t have to practice to get better at sports, an approach that led to his athletic downfall by the time he was an adolescent. The kids who practiced and continued to develop caught up to him physically and zoomed past him in learned skills. Grandpa’s growth mindset will be valuable to Mitch in school, especially with subjects like math, where the teenage Mitch had long since given up. Many kids like Mitch just assume they weren’t born with the chops to do math. Similarly, Mitch’s ADHD could easily allow him and many who work with him to take a fixed mindset view of him as incapable to success in school because of that diagnosis. Grandpa’s way of looking at Mitch, or any other kid, regardless of diagnosis, is one that assumes growth is possible and it is a function of how much work you put in. That’s the attitude that helped him rise in rank during his Navy career.
Wrap Up For Mitch
So what do you think of Mitch’s chances this second time around? Remember what characterized Mitch before; his impulsive behavior? And that impulsive behavior was not just because he was ADHD. He moved quickly to feel adequate or avoid humiliation, regardless of the consequences to others. He sought immediate relief from potential frustration or failure and was overly dependent on his mother for that relief. When avoidance didn’t work, he turned to blaming and when that failed, he threatened aggression. All of these actions were done impulsively – designed to immediately escape whatever feeling was intolerable.
The biggest difference between the previous Mitch and the new Mitch was the change in Molly. The overwhelmed Molly we met at the beginning of the book was much more competent and authoritative here. She was tuned into Mitch’s developmental needs and took advantage of opportunities to turn challenges into sources of learning. She truly made A MESS of Mitch. Her attunement kept his developmental goals of internal discipline, emotional competence and genuine self-esteem, front and center.
The earlier Molly was a loving caring mother, but this Molly is more attuned to Mitch’s developmental needs and progress and as a result was able to be more proactive and less reactive with her son.
We first met Mitch raging at his weeping mother in her locked bedroom. The Mitch who emerges from Part 4 will do far less raging and blaming and far more advance planning and doing. A lack on internal discipline drove that meltdown. Part 4 was all about the early development of internal discipline. Molly accomplished it by constantly making A MESS of that goal. Instead of letting Mitch impulsively act, she called upon him to stay engaged long enough to explain why he was acting. The previous Mitch failed to analyze before acting. This Mitch was constantly called upon to analyze before acting, whether he was reaching for more Cheerios in his high chair or bolting out the door to meet up with friends. His mother kept him engaged with analyzing and explaining, and in the process he had to learn to soothe himself to tolerate that pause before acting.
Molly 2.0 created natural and logical connections between work and play. Mitch learned that one preceded the other and the sooner he finished his work, the more time there was for play. Every day contained this structure. Every part of every day contained this structure: helping clean up after meals, carrying out household responsibilities, doing his schoolwork, and getting ready for bed. It was work then play, within a limited time frame. Getting things done so he could get on to the good stuff became something for Mitch to manage internally, not externally in reaction to nagging and punishment.
The internally disciplined Mitch, who analyzed before acting, possessed far more genuine self-esteem and emotional competence than the Mitch we met earlier. That Mitch derived his self-esteem through dominance of others and protected against its loss by blaming others. Not a recipe for a happy life. This version of Mitch will do much better as he navigates adolescence.